Boondocks Deuce

2 Aug

DISCLOSURE: I fucking loved The Boondock Saints. I'm also a Chicago Blackhawks fan. While these two facts seem, at the moment, completely unrelated, you will soon understand how they may cloud my otherwise Solomon-like judgement. I want to be honest about these two issues. Because you deserve the truth.

Really, I suppose I lusted that movie more than loved it. I wanted to have hot, sweaty, leaned-up-against-the-brick-wall sex with it behind my neighborhood public house. I wanted to sit at the table in the kitchen and smoke unfiltered cigarettes and drink Bushmill's with it. I wanted to stay up all night with it and talk about tattoos and Kafka's dying wish to have all his notes and sketches burned unread. I wanted to wear torn fishnet stockings and throw dollar bills at the panhandlers while it and I drunkenly leaned on each other and walked down the street, laughing about my ridiculously high-heeled boots. 

I know I will not feel the same way about The Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day. The fact that it came out simultaneously on Netflix Watch Instantly when it was released on DVD tells me as much as the title itself: One should be wary of Colon Movies. Movies that Use The Title of The Original Movie COLON New Movie Title. (See also: Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo)


According to my handy dandy Netflix email notification, tomorrow my honey and I shall have The Boondock Saints 2 (known from this point on as Boondocks Deuce, or simply The Deuce) in our hot little hands. Now, normally I don't click the helpful link that comes in the email that takes me to the movie's page where, among other things, live the user-submitted reviews. In general, I dislike reading the reviews. Normally, in general. I make exceptions, of course. For example, I will read the reviews of just about any movie with a one- or one-and-a-half star rating. In our queue now is the movie Pervert!, and I like to think we will enjoy it despite the low rating. I mean, porn star Mary Carey being chased by a demonic detachable penis hell-bent on causing mayhem? How can you go wrong? So one Netflix viewer says it's "the most stupid movie" he or she has ever wasted time with? So that viewer has issues with a demonic "walking talking pee-pee with teeth"? That won't stop us. In fact, I like to think we shall enjoy it more BECAUSE it's about a DEMONIC WALKING TALKING PEE-PEE WITH TEETH!


But I digress.


The Deuce will arrive tomorrow and I'm totally looking forward to it now. The user-generated reviews have made all the difference in the world. Thank you, Screen Name Redacted, for your insightful review of The Deuce. You say:


Dudeass
 


I see from your avatar that you are a Penguins fan. Normally I would totally discount anything a Penguins fan would say. I mean, come on. Pittsburgh? Really? But I am medicated these days. I'm a kinder and gentler stabby, snarky sarcastic smart-ass thanks to better living through chemistry. 


Yes, I looked up your other reviews and found that you had not written another review. While you had rated somewhere in the neighborhood of 520 movies with FIVE STARS, your only less-than-five-star review was The Deuce. One can only assume it's this prevalence of dudeass that causes its low rating. You rated everything from Pretty Woman to The Mask of Zorro five stars. You loved Josie and the Pussycats as much as Coyote Ugly and season three of Grey's Anatomy. BUT YET The Deuce doesn't measure up because of preposterous preponderance of posteriors of the dude persuasion. 


You look here, Screen Name Redacted, you will not rain on my parade. I shall now watch The Deuce with blood in my eyes. Your intolerance of dudeass will only make me love this film more. That the only thing you have to say about this movie, other than it has a "forced" script, is that there is too much dudeass will not deter me. 


Because, here's the thing, what really is too much dudeass? Is it too many different dudeasses? Fewer dudeasses, but they are larger than you like? Is the quality of dudeass not to your liking? I must watch the movie to unravel the mystery of your economic review of the sequel to a movie that was, admittedly, farcical, silly, pornographic in its violence, and, well,  it's generally a good idea to be wary of any movie with Billy Connolly, amirite? 


From now on, I will base my opinion of a movie SOLELY on the amount of dudeass. I'm not sure if more will be better. I'm not sure if I'll go quality or quantity. Although I think if I use the dudeass standard, The Big Lebowski should get a perfect five-star rating. If I am not mistaken, doesn't The Dude bare ass? Wouldn't that make it Dude's Ass? So that would be Dude's Ass dudeass, yes? 


Winner.




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