My Rejected Cosmo Article

What Your Man’s Choice of Bakery Items Says About Him!

  1. Chocolate Cupcake with Mint Icing: He’s cool under pressure and has a tendency to be broody!  His secret fantasy is to rub ice cubes into your ankles while humming the Oomopa Loompa song! He thinks it isn’t really St. Paddy’s Day unless his beer is green!  He’s got a big heart and an even bigger belly, but his breath is always fresh!
  2. Red Velvet Donut: He’s a mama’s boy who would like nothing better than to read you selected passages of Intruder in the Dust while massaging your boobs with dill pickle juice! You might have to pick up the tab a lot and don’t expect him to help with the dishes, girls! He’s a traditionalist who wants to make you the Queen of his State Fair!
  3. Plain Glazed Donut: Forget about this guy going downtown, ladies! He’s missionary twice a week and three times on vacation all the way! He likes white shirts with his gray suits, but forget about French cuffs. He’ll tell you that only gays wear “Freedom cuffs”. The only jewelry he needs is the Sweet Precious Tender Moments Double Heart Memory Pendant™ he’ll get you at Zales!
  4. Biscotti: Forget about taking this guy home to mama! He’s great to go shopping with, but won’t be bringing home his bacon to you! Every girl needs a guy to help her pick out shoes, and this guy’s it! Just don’t introduce him to your old boyfriend… meow!
  5. Chocolate Chip Cookie: He’s true blue like your favorite pair of jeans! There’s not a lot of deep water in this guy and that could get old in ten years when you realize you wasted most of your youth with someone who thinks Campari is an Italian sports car and you gave up grad school because you foolishly thought his income as an insurance adjuster would carry you through and now all you have are memories of trips abroad with your friends before you married Darryl Dullard.
  6. Carmel Cupcake with Vanilla Bourbon Icing: This is the guy you mother warned you about! He’s open to experimentation (He’s totally okay that you want to rub Nutella on his package!) and he loves to travel! He chews through Harry Crews novels like candy and drinks Maker’s like a fish, but that’s okay, ladies! His daddy’s heart can’t last forever and he’ll be set once the old guy croaks!



One Comment Add yours

  1. whoopie says:

    Hilare …

Just spit it out, already!

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