I Hate People

My husband and I have unintentionally created this routine. It goes something like this:

Me: I hate people

Him: I know.

Me: No, I really, really hate people.

Him: I know you do, sweetie. I know you do.

We go through this several times a week and twice on Sundays.  Generally there was a conversation that preceded my statement of ill-will towards my fellow man. That conversation usually goes something like this:

Me: Yeah, and another thing—what’s up with those stupid corporate care programs?

Him: I dunno. Corporations don’t care.

Me: That’s my point. I mean, corporations aren’t inherently evil. They’re not inherently good either, but one can only exist in opposition to the other, right?

Him: Yes?

Me: Right. So Corporation X wants me to buy its toilet paper because it supports troops, breast cancer research, and reforestation of the Amazonian rainforest. Now, I have to ask you: What’s that got to do with my butt, huh?

Him: Nothing. It’s all perception.

Me: Right! The measure of a corporation isn’t what it gives to charity. It’s three things: Is the product any good? Does it treat employees fairly? Does it treat customers with respect?

Him: That you give to the Coalition To Protect The Mississippi Slow-Crawling Bubba has nothing to do with toilet paper.

Me: Right! My great-grandfather…

Him: Oh boy…

Me: Was fired…FIRED…

Him: Yes, from the sawmill because he said if you’re going to house your workers—and you are—you have to give them a decent place to live.

Me: You have to give them a decent place to live because if a man’s got to worry about the roof over his family’s head…

Him: He’s not going to be focused on the job he gets paid for.

Me: That’s right. Could the sawmill have elected not to house workers?

Him: Yes.

Me: Right. But they did.  So if you’re all in…

Him: You gotta be all in…

Me: Exactly. EXACTLY.  Oh, and another thing! The bears? The bears with the toilet paper stuck to their asses?

Him: Yes?

Me: What is that? You’re a bear, in the woods, crapping quarters and getting toilet paper stuck to your hiney? Does that make me want to buy your toilet paper?

Him: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Me: You agree with me. If you knew what I was talking about, you’d agree with me.

Him: I’m sure.

Me: So I have this whole conversation with Marie about how she’s only buying this one brand of sun-dried tomatoes because they give 10% back to charity…

Him: Ten percent of what? You know what that means, right? They throw their dented cans out to a food pantry, use it as a tax write-off, call it a donation and actually make money on the deal.

Me: I KNOW! So ask me if she likes sun-dried tomatoes.

Him: Does she like…

Me: NO! She HATES sun-dried tomatoes. But she thinks she can get all Kiva on some woman in Bangladesh by…

Him: Buying tomatoes instead of giving 20 bucks to Kiva?

Me: YES! I hate people.


2 Comments Add yours

  1. Four says:

    A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that cellphones were safe. Imagine what you’ll know tomorrow.

Just spit it out, already!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s