Pfffft…I Give Up


Michele Bachmann. She says Planned Parenthood wants to be the LensCrafters of abortions. The big box retailer of abortions. The Walmart of abortions. Because as we learned from The Honorable Senator Jon Kyl, 90% of what Planned Parenthood does is perform abortions. Whether you want one or not. Whether you’re even pregnant or not.

That sort of talk is wrong, ridiculous, and disgusting. So I’ve decided to fight fire with fire.  With the help of my Marketing Guru, Adele, here are some tips for Planned Parenthood to help them become the Walmart of abortions. YOU’RE WELCOME.

  1. Abortions in 30 minutes or less or you get a coupon for 1/2 off  next abortion plus subscription to Real Simple magazine.
  2. Spring “Pap-Stravaganzza”. Free soup, salad, and breadsticks lunch from Olive Garden with every pap smear.
  3. Free caulk with every abortion. Eliminates need for future abortions plus weather-proofs your home.
  4. Complimentary flavored condom sampling Tuesdays and Thursdays from 2-4 pm.
  5. Tattoo removal specialist on staff weekly. Perfect time to get that “Enter Here” tramp stamp removed.
  6. Swipe your PP Loyalty Card every visit and earn rewards good towards condoms, Vagasil, home STD testing kits, and Starbucks.
  7. As speculums are not warmed before use, hand warmers on aisle 7 now approved for use on ladybits.
  8. Outsource pelvic exams to call centers in Arizona via use of  the Skype SpeculumCam.
  9. Four words: Cecile Richards Bobblehead Doll
  10. Release compilation CD of lounge music to be sold at appointment check-in counters.

4 Comments Add yours

  1. four says:

    11. Don’t forget to get your card stamped, and on your 5th visit get a free Vajazzle.

  2. Desi says:

    I am strongly opposed to #5…

    1. Susan says:

      Perhaps we should reverse it, then? Tattoo artist weekly so you can GET that “Enter Here” tatttoo.

      1. Desi says:


Just spit it out, already!

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