Shopping in Hell

16 Jun

Oh, how I hate the mall.

I thought about ending the post with that sentence. It really says it all. I hate the mall. I hate Macy’s and Dillard’s and Journeys (Do they have an apostrophe? Is it like to take a journey or is it like owned by Steve Perry?). I hate kiosks and Rack Rooms and Claire’s. I will admit a fondness for Chic-fil-a and their delightful sandwiches made for Jesus, but what the hell is that Chinese bourbon chicken stuff next door? I avoid food establishments where the food appears shellacked.

I don’t hate the mall for political reasons, exactly. Macy’s may be known in my house as The Evil Empire, but it also employs several hundred Memphians. It’s just that I was trapped in retail for many long years. I think I have a little PTSD brought on by malls. You may just blow through the clearance rack, I make sure all the hangers face the same way and the t-shirts are sorted by size and color. It’s just too much damn work for me to shop in a mall.

The thing is that I’m painting the bathrooms and I want new shower curtains. Now this is the part where I express shock and dismay over the price of shower curtains. WHAT THE HELL? A hundred bucks for a shower curtain? Are you kidding me? But then I found two I liked and could get both for under $100. And, yes, I have looked at Target. I’ve looked at Ikea. Big Lots and I have an understanding about shower curtain liners, and I’m very loyal. I’m a bargain-savvy shopper, man. But how many times a day are you in your bathroom? Seriously. I’m at home all day and I drink a lot of tea. When I walk into my bathroom and have five yards of fabric staring me in the face, I want it to be what I want, dig? What I do not want is five yards of clear vinyl broken up by cutsie motifs such as duckies, dresses, or especially an egret.  I understand there is a time and place for everything, and those first two curtains would be awesome in a kid’s or teenager’s bathroom, but that egret? It only takes one letter and $23.99 to turn that egret into regret, my friend.

My other problem is that when I make up my mind, it’s made up. Period. I have decided what shower curtains I want. And I want them now. NOW. And it’s all fun and games until you decide NOW that you want long hair and so go about sitting in some random braiding salon for six hours while you get braids and a weave. And I speak from experience on that one, okay?   But it’s hawt. And not like Daniel Craig hawt. And I’m certain the mall nearest me won’t have what I need, so that means going to the suburbs, and I hate the suburbs. And I’ll need to wear shoes. SHOES! And probably a bra and maybe pants. And then while I’m out, I should go by the library. And grocery store. Oh, and I need to go pick up a couple of frames for some photos that are sitting around mocking me. And at that point I’ll probably need gas. And a Diet Dr. Pepper. Boom. I’ve just spent $200. In 90° heat and 350% humidity. And spending $200 in 90° is like spending $500 in 70°. True fact.

So, here I sit. Writing this, not painting. Not going to get a shower curtain. I write this and peruse my new time suck. A website devoted to vintage Sears, Monkey Wards, and Penny’s Christmas catalogs.

You’re welcome.

 

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4 Responses to “Shopping in Hell”

  1. Cfriend June 16, 2011 at 7:32 pm #

    Ah, YOU. The voice of the clever bitchstress i’d like to trot out but lack the clarity of thought to breathe life into. Thank you.

    • Susan June 16, 2011 at 8:15 pm #

      Who loves you, baby?

  2. Pernilla June 16, 2011 at 3:53 pm #

    That egret is now etched to my eyeball. LITERALLY. OK, not literally, but now I can’t unsee it. Damn you.

Just spit it out, already!

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