In Which 20 Year Old Me Accuses 38 Year Old Me of Middle Age

20 Year Old Me: Like, how do you know, you know? I mean, on one hand, it’s like, ME. Like I want—I NEED—to be me, right? And like, can I do that with, you know, OBLIGATIONS? Am I going to be stifled, right? But on the other hand, I’m really liking—I just can’t seem to wrap my head around doing STUFF for some man, you know? And, like, I’m never getting on my knees for any man. Oh, HELL no. And my mom’s all oh, it’s different when you’re married. You think as a team if it works right. And like, she’s feminist and all, but I’m thinking, WOW. Do I really want to be part of a team? Like that? Do I want to share a brain with some DUDE?

Not that being lesbian would be any easier because I totally do NOT want to have, like, two women in sync in the same house trying to, well, whatever. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It’s just that unfortunately I like boys and what I’d really like is to like MEN, you know? But then I think, yeah, I sleep better with someone in the bed with me. Like even my best friend, I mean. So maybe we can just get all up in some big house, but then she’d have to have cats, right? Yeah, I don’t know about the cats.
But then I get this giddy feeling? Like being around him? And I think about him even when I’m with him, you know? Is that weird? Not like thinking about boiling his pet rabbit or anything, but just…I don’t know. But he’d totally have to understand that my things are my things. Like we need space, you know? I mean, my friends are my family and he’d totally have to get that. Like my best friend and I have been through so much together, he doesn’t even KNOW.
People just don’t understand what it’s like. They’re content in their houses, their 2.4 children, their big cars. Just sheep. Like I don’t want that to happen to us. Like that’s NOT going to happen. I still want a LIFE, you know? Like, how do you let yourself go like that? How does it stop mattering to you? Like these older women—like in their 40’s—going, oh, I’m too tired for sex. I SO do not want to be that person. I mean, you cannot be serious. Like, I know having kids is tough, but all they do the first few months is sleep, dude.
Like I’m not going to compromise what I want. This is me. Like if Authentic You likes Authentic Me, cool. Otherwise? I’ll be all up in some big house with my girlfriend drinking boxes of wine and getting high. I’m not compromising. Like I’m not giving up.
38 Year Old Me: Shut up.

Just spit it out, already!

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