It Started With A Cinnamon Roll. But Doesn’t It Always?


A few weeks ago I was painting, and I’d learned this nifty trick about soaking brushes in liquid fabric softener. Cleans the things, keeps the bristles soft, works like a charm. Fast forward to now. I’m sitting here, trying to get cinnamon roll icing out of my a friend’s computer keyboard and I’ve just poured myself a GIANT cup of Crystal Light. The pink kind. Because I’m cool like that. Doesn’t that make you want to be friends with me? Don’t you want to hang out and clean between my keys with me? She’s sooo cool, that one. Sitting at her desk, avoiding  grown up stuff. Eating sweet rolls and just letting the icing drop all willy-nilly. I bet she’ll even find icing down her shirt later! HAWT!!

But I’ve actually got to get up and go Do Stuff. Like I need Dutch process cocoa and the three groceries I’ve been to don’t have it. Which means I’ll need to go Somewhere Else. Like Whole Foods. Now, mind you, that wouldn’t be so bad except the parking lot at Whole Foods exists ONLY to confound me. It makes me want to drop-kick baby seals through goal posts made of fairy skeletons. And they’ll have the stuff. Oh, will they have it, and I’ll have to meet with the Whole Foods Financing Group and that conversation will go something like this:

WFFG: It says here you need loan for zee Dutch process cocoa.

Me: Yessir.

WFFG: Ummhmm. Interrestink. Zee regular Hershey’s will not do for you, iz zat zo?

Me: I’m not sure what you just said, but the recipe calls for Dutch process.

WFFG: Alkalinity, yes?

Me: Yes, zat’s zo.

WFFG: Do you MOCK Whole Foods Financing Group?

Me: Look, I just need this for a chocolate pound cake I need to make.

WFFG: OH! She neeeeds to make a chocolate pound cake, does she? Vat makes you sink we’ll just give anyone a loan for our special Dutch process cocoa, hmmm? Zis cocoa comes from trees vich are massaged daily with zee organic narwhal tears by zee hands of chubby virgin baby kittens. Zey zing zee trees zee sonks of Fleetwood Mac and drink nussing but unicorn milk. ARE YOU WORTHY OF ZISS COCOA?

Me: Maybe I should just go to Fresh Market?

And then I’ll get home, my cocoa carefully housed between layers of bubble wrap and stored inside a fireproof gun safe and I’ll realize the damn thing called for CAKE FLOUR and who has cake flour? My mother. SHE would have cake flour because she is Prepared For Every Kitchen Need, but she has raised a SLOTHFUL daughter. So slothful, in fact, I debated about whether or not to type that in all-caps because that would require extending my pinky juuuust a little more to the left than I am generally wont to do.

And after all that, I’ll realize that my honey is due home any minute and he’s real picky about eating every day, y’all. And there’s only so many times you can fool him into eating Bugles and pepper jack cheese for a meal. He is sooo high maintenance. So I will then hoof it up to the neighborhood grocery to get the finest steaks in town and I will realize DAMMIT! THEY HAD DUTCH PROCESS COCOA!

Because that WILL be the way it works. Unless you meet the produce truck at the back door, you take your chances on whether they will have salad greens or not. If you want any cheese fancier than Swiss, you’re out of luck. And they’ve gone entire MONTHS with no ice cream flavor but butter pecan.  But, by God, they’ll have the damn cocoa. But it will be four times as much as the stuff I got at Whole Foods, so I won’t feel so bad.

But that’s not the point.

The point is, I was sitting here–well, now it’s been hours ago–and I took a big gulp of my yummy, refreshing Crystal Light Pink Liquid Stuff and realized it smelled springtime fresh.

Do I need to spell this out for you? Brushes. Soak in cups. Crystal Light Pink Liquid Stuff. Me. Ingest.

On the plus side, my breath is now fresh as a baby unicorn fart, y’all.


3 Comments Add yours

  1. What’s so special about Dutch cocoa? I’ve read a couple of recipes that demand it, but I don’t really get why it’s so special… Fun post tho, made me smile 🙂

    1. Susan says:

      The cocoa itself isn’t that special. It’s alkalized so if you are using it in something that uses baking soda, it won’t react. And you need it if your recipe calls for baking powder. I think I can actually make it with regular. I’ve got to look up my substitutions. I have, however, just learned the miracle of reading labels and have realized the Hershey’s Special Dark I’ve been seeing is actually Dutched, so I’m very happy now!
      Thanks for stopping by!

  2. Four says:

    I bet it would go great with the led paint infused asbestos crisps we ate growing up.

Just spit it out, already!

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