Yesterday I got a card from my friend with that New Yorker cartoon on it. When I sat down to write this morning, I remembered this post I wrote a couple of years ago for another blog. It dovetails nicely with what I want to write about today. Enjoy! And check back later for more junkpackage tips!
WARNING: I use a lot of quotation marks in this post because I’m actually making air quotes while I’m typing. Also if repeated references to “man junk” offend you, go read this. There’s nothing offensive there.
Okay, okay. I admit it. I read Cosmo when I have the flu. There is a method to my madness. It helps with the nausea. There is nothing worse than feeling like you have to throw up but you can’t, so Cosmo usually helps that process along. Think of it as journalistic ipecac syrup. On the other hand, I like a magazine where you can go to their website, search “what your guy’s hot dog says about him” and actually come up with real results.
It’s stuff like the “sex tips” from “guys” that give me the heaves. The “tips” are usually stuff like: Splash water on your t-shirt while you’re doing dishes so I can see through it. Seeing you drink from a bottle makes me think of your mouth other places. When something exciting happens to me–like a promotion–offer me oral sex all night. The “tips” are usually from dudes who talk a lot about their “junk” or their “package”. Just a little tip, dudes: While an occasional “junk joke” might be funny, repeatedly calling you man bits “junk” will lead to them being treated as such.
I was just perusing the Cosmo website and I wanted to know what position it was they called The Naughtiest Position. It’s doing it against a wall, by the way. Apparently it brings out the “gotta-have-your-body-now erotic thrill in both of you”. I just want to point out that at NO TIME in this article does it give you the following advice: Do not, under any circumstances, try this while standing on a rug that is on top of a hardwood floor. It will not matter if there is a no-slip pad underneath. You will still fall on your ass. Look, maybe it’s just that I’m an old married lady, but I think the only thing I’d be thinking while doing it against a wall is but, but we have a perfectly lovely bed. Or oh, shit. Do we have Advil?
Okay, so the underwear thing. According to the October Cosmo, you know what will drive your guy–and his junk–wild? Taking off your thong and using it to pull back your hair. I could not bring myself to purchase the October edition, so I was forced to violate all sorts of publication laws, I’m sure, and take a picture with my phone of this article. No, I’ll not post that picture because I don’t know how to make my phone talk to my computer, but I’m sure it involves a data cable that I do not have. Anyway, forgive me, Helen Gurly Brown, if I misquote:
There are few things guys like more than long hair, women’s underwear, and sex. So combine all three!
If things are getting hot and heavy, stopping the action to go search for a ponytail holder will kill the mood. So instead, grab—or take off—your underwear. Simply fold the crotch up so that the thong forms an open circle, twist your hair into a low pony or bun, and use your panties like an elastic band to secure your locks.
Dear Reader(s), I cannot tell you how many times I’ve thought, “Wow. Sex would be so much better if only I could only find a use for my drawers other than wearing them–you know–on my butt.” Or, I suppose, in the case of a thong, up…never mind. But after realizing how boring I must be because I’m not having sex while leaning against a wall and wearing my panties on my head, another more pressing thought hit me. “Fold the crotch up so the thong forms and open circle…twist your hair…use your panties like an elastic band…”
Okay, first of all, I’m what Jane Russell would call a “full-figured gal”. So using one of my thongs? Well, let’s just say that I’m not sure Troy Polamalu has enough hair to be tied back with one of my thongs–if I wore thongs. The other thing is that I’m a visual learner, so those instructions made no sense to me. So I went to my underwear drawer and tried to find a thong. Now, even though I used to be in the underwear business, I’m not a fan of the thong. I did get a free one when the company I used to be with launched a new line of stretch lace undies (nothing says “classy” like a stretch lace thong!), but it’s got a rather conservative cut. It looks like a regular hipster from the front. It’s not really an honest-to-God g-string. But, of course, I tried it. My hair isn’t long, so I reverted to my dress-up ways of younger years.
I put tights on my head.
Yup. Every six-year-old knows that’s the best way to quickly acquire long, lustrous locks. So then I took the thong, pulled my “pigtails” through, and…nothing. I still didn’t get it. What I did get was the idea that it would be easier just to tie them in a knot, tie them in a bow. Maybe the problem was I had not been wearing them and wasn’t in a hurry to pull fake Spandex hair back out of my face so I could do something Cosmo- approved to my guy’s junk package?
How is this hot? How is this unlike the scene in Sixteen Candles where the geeks with jock straps on their heads shoot Samantha with laser guns? Because that’s all I’m thinking about. I’m thinking about the fact that the male version of this is to rip off his jock strap and stick it over his face. Oh? Or better yet? He can use his jock strap to tie back your long, lustrous locks! I mean, look, I don’t want to judge, but really? A thong in the hair? Why would you even think about that? And I’ve never worked on a magazine staff, so do the sexytime editors sit around a conference table and have serious discussions like:
Deb: So, Judy. What do you think is hotter? Licking strawberry yogurt of your guy’s taint or drizzling warm Dr. Pepper on your dude’s package?
Judy: Well, both have their merits, but let’s do a piece about testing your compatibility with your dude by comparing pizza toppings and then follow it up with a sidebar about trussing your Thanksgiving turkey with your favorite g-string so your man is thinking about sexytime with you all during dinner!
So, here I am, slightly afraid to ask if:
Is this hot to anyone? And by “this”, I mean the idea of the underwear in the hair. NOT my description of putting the underwear in my hair.
Would someone please try putting a thong in your hair and tell me what I was doing wrong?
Was writing this post a better use of my time than mowing the front yard on the first semi-sunny day in two weeks?