WOW! Thanks, Cosmo!

Every now and then I like to pretend I’m on the Sexytime Editorial Staff at Cosmo. I like to have these imaginary brainstorming sessions. You know, pretend what it’s like to come up with compatibility quizzes. Here’s one I wrote about What Your Man’s Choice of Bakery Item Says About Him! As you will note, a key piece of writing a Cosmo Sexytime listicle is judicious use of the exclamation point.

Today, possibly because my other idea for a post involved a stimulating discussion of Science Citation Index as a means of bibliographic control, I wandered back over to Cosmo to see what great advice I could get.

Oh, mama.

My first hit off the Cosmo pipe involved something called “Weird Things That Turn Men On”. Derrick says his honey totally pulls a fast one on him by using fake tattoos and pink hair extensions. He totally doesn’t recognize her when they’re having sex, y’all! It’s like he’s boning a totally different chick! And how weird is this: Rob thinks that even though ball caps are TOTALLY for guys, when his girl wears one he’s all WHOA! That’s so hottt! But that totally doesn’t make him gay. Right? And Jeff wishes his gal would court pink eye more often by not taking her mascara off before bed. Because waking up with crusty, red eyes rimmed with smudged mascara is SMOKIN’!

Cosmo also asked dudes and their junkpackages what makes a woman undateable. They got lots of responses via Twitter. This one dude doesn’t like a girl who farts in her sleep. Because girls don’t poop, y’all! We wimmins actually have NO digestive systems. Nope. Our bellies are full of fluffy clouds, glitter, and chocolate bunnies. And Lord Voldemort7 hates it when a girl wants to “find her own Edward Cullen.” Must I point out the yummy irony of this one for you? And if this dude’s mommy doesn’t like you? Pack your bags, girl, because his mommy likes everyone. So YOU are clearly an alien succubus.

The great thing about Cosmo is that it’s sooo totally helpful in weird situations. Like–and this is SOOO out there it will probably never happen to you–say there’s a naked man in front of you, ladies. I KNOW! But let’s just say one shows up, okay? So there’s this naked dude and his junkpackage in front of you. You don’t know what to do, amirite?  Your friend Cosmo helpfully points out thirty things you can do with a naked man. Like you can get naked too! I KNOW, RIGHT??!!  And naked guys are total multitaskers. You can coat them in peanut butter and chocolate sauce so it’s like sex AND a high-protein snack in one. You could also boss him around. Because most naked guys love to have instructions barked at them. And then? If he does something you really like? Squeeze his ass. You know how well that works on you! Especially at work!

Cosmo is super frugal. See, Cosmo knows that in today’s economy, we need items that can be used for more than one thing. That’s why the article about tying your hair back with underwear was so helpful. Our Cosmo also has a great use for stockings. See, you should knot it and tie it around your guy’s junkpackage. Then you get on top and go to town! He’ll love the compression and you’ll love the feeling of the knot…you know what? Even I can’t finish that one.

Moving on…

Here are some sex tips you didn’t know. Which is weird because every other article is about some sex tip you didn’t know. You’d think that well would have dried up by now. BUT ANYWAY, you can put your hand in his pocket and whisper, “Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?” It does not, however, mention you must then pay a royalty fee to Tired Ass Cliche, Inc. after you do that. Seriously, I mean, first? Okay, first, if he’s only packing a roll of quarters, I DON’T think he wants to be reminded of it. And second? Who keeps a roll of quarters in his pockets anyway? You could do it in the tub. This one is excellent if you want to be left alone for a few days, ladies, because that UTI you’re going to get is pretty much going to put the kibosh on the sexytime for the next few days.

I would totally try some of these out, but us married ladies don’t like to have the hottt sexxxy sexx. Which is fine. Because what you don’t know is that on our wedding days we get our digestive tracts installed. So who’d want to have the hottt sexxxy sexx with us anyway, right?


Just spit it out, already!

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