Some Old-Fashioned, Self-Satisfying, Narcissistic Blogging

24 Aug

Here’s the thing.

I wrote this post a little while ago about a murder in Mississippi and the piece got a little attention. And by a little, I mean it got the kind of circulation of a solid, medium-sized city newspaper. I don’t know that it was viral, but it at least had a fever. And it was kind of weird for me because I don’t normally write about serious things, and when I do write about them, I do so from a rather snarky, cynical, slightly skewed perspective.

For example, I need to take this Michelle Bachmann person seriously, but she makes it so damn difficult. I mean, the woman says Planned Parenthood wants to be the Walmart of abortions. That right there is comedy gold. That ALONE keeps me entertained for hours on end. Does that mean she thinks Planned Parenthood wants to start outsourcing abortions to third world sweatshops? She thinks they should buy plastic speculums instead of stainless? Maybe have a nice greeter at the door? Oh, wait. They have that already. Although they are forced to wear flack jackets since uninsured women going for pap smears are the biggest threat to our way of life since the hem rose above the ankle. Maybe they should be the Sam’s Club of abortions and you must have a membership, but you can get samples of cheesecake while you wait. The woman is batshit and doesn’t know how to pronounce chutzpah. Here’s another Yiddish word for her: farkakte. As in, “Michelle Bachmann’s presidential bid is farkakte.”

God bless these fake conservatives. Comedy gold. Like remember that time at that Rand Paul rally someone from the camp across the lake sneaked in? And the Rand Paul supporters stomped on her and started yelling for the police? That was great. Not the stomping part. The irony. These are people who think income tax is illegal, but they still want all the benefits gained from taxes. Like police.

Then there was that time Lindsey Graham said he thought that freedom of speech stuff  was neat and all except when we’re at war. Freedom is slavery! You know, the Supremes ruled that corporations are people. So their speech is protected just like mine. So when Boeing wants to change its slogan to Boeing: Because Big Wars Mean Big Profits or Blackwater decides to change its name yet again and becomes War Express: Your War Delivered, I’m sure he’d rally against that as anti-American or warmongering or something. Oh, wait. I forgot my sarcasm font. Corporations are the champions of the little people, silly!

And there was that time Juan Williams got freaked out by Muslims in clothes. ‘Member that one? That was a good one. I actually like Juan Williams. I appreciate his honesty and his desire to have real, substantive debate. But really? You expect me not to touch that one? Please.

Or what about that time Sarah Palin wrote that book? I wrote seriously about that and had to take to my bed for several days after. It hurt. It was a pain that could only be soothed with massive infusions of Coke Zero and Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies. Oh, and vodka. It did take a little vodka. Which was awesome because at one point I really COULD see Russia from my house. Even though I live in Memphis.

And right now I’m going to talk about these ridiculous “personhood” amendments. You guys know about this? Hold on to your girdle, Myrtle, this one’s a doozy. These initiatives want to define zygotes as people with all the civil rights you and I have. Ergo, forthwith, and heretofore, abortion would be illegal. As would the morning after pill and, as best I can tell, IVF and hormonal birth control pills.

Mississippi actually managed to get this on the ballot in November. I’m not sure how this is happening because the Mississippi Constitution specifically prohibits changing the Bill of Rights through the initiative process and I can’t figure out how this is not doing just that. But, well, I’m just a lady and what do I know about what’s best for me and my family?

Oh! And then there was that ridiculous poll that said Mississippi Republicans think interracial marriage should be illegal. That one was almost impossible to write about with a straight face. I believe I decided the problem was that the automated instructions said to “press” a number if you agreed. We don’t “press” in the South unless you’re talking about trousers. We “mash”.

You know, here’s the thing. I sound like a bleeding heart liberal, but I’m really not. I’m a throwback. I’m pretty conservative. It’s true. Old school conservative. I DON’T believe in morality through legality. Just because you don’t like something, doesn’t mean you get to enact a law to make it illegal. I’m not saying I advocate anarchy. Don’t get all oh, but what about rape? Don’t we need a law for that? Or what about robbery? Should that be okay? Only the weak with no intelligent input make those kind of broad arguments. And I happen to think if you’re reading my blog, you must be pretty bright, amirite?

But all this bullshit is making me tired. It’s all squeaky wheel theory. Most of the people I know, friends or not, fall somewhere in the middle. I mean, yeah, I’ve got that one aunt who REFUSES to believe Obama is a citizen and thinks the moon landing was faked. Extremists get print. Which is the more entertaining interview: Hillary Clinton rationally discussing the push for democracy in MENA or Oily Taint Orly Taitz screaming about fake birth certificates?

All this to say that my little blog has been picked up in Serious Writing Circles and I’ve been asked to comment on a few things by Serious People Working For Serious Organizations. And I might or might not comment. Dunno yet. Well, I have made my mind up about a couple. Stay tuned for more on that. But here’s the thing. I take the issues I write about seriously. Okay, I don’t really take Cosmo’s sex tips seriously. Got me there. I don’t take myself too seriously. It’s boring. There are plenty of people with self-important attitudes to go around. So don’t make me your spokesmodel if you don’t want me to poke a little fun at the situation.

And do not, under any circumstances, get me started on fake feminists. Evah.

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2 Responses to “Some Old-Fashioned, Self-Satisfying, Narcissistic Blogging”

  1. debbie August 30, 2011 at 12:18 pm #

    It was because of that “viral” post that I’ve become a huge fan of your writing, so please don’t get shy on me now. You may be the Lorax of Southern progressivism, but there are still trees that need defending. Speak, sister! Speak!

    • Susan August 30, 2011 at 4:48 pm #

      Yes, ma’am. I’ve got a wang dang doodle of a piece scheduled for the middle of next week, beeteedubs. And thanks not only for reading, but taking the time to tell me you’re reading.

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