The Teaser

There’s good crazy and there’s bad crazy. You know what I mean. Some crazy is just harmless. Like your cousin Mervin who sits in the corner and stuffs buttons up his nose. He’s generally a harmless fellow. Yes, there was that one time he thought mouse droppings were magic beans and tried to trade them for bubble gum at the A&P and they had to call security. But that was more a misunderstanding than anything, right?

Yesterday I was witness to some bad crazy. I have talked very briefly about these so-called “personhood amendments” that have been cropping up across the country like pimples on a teenager. Mississippi has managed to get one of these amendments on the November ballot, and I went down to a public hearing to see for myself what was going on. And in the interest of full disclosure, let me tell you that I went at the invitation of THE GREAT SATAN,  Planned Parenthood Greater Memphis Region (PPGMR). We had a lovely trip down to Cleveland, Mississippi. We snacked on pickled placenta and the blood of virgin church choir altos. I personally turned the folks in the car next to us at the gas station into lesbian hookers after forcing them to have abortions. Even though they weren’t pregnant. Or women. It was, in other words, a typical day in the life of a Planned Parenthood supporter.

I went because these initiatives are gathering steam. I went because if it happens in Mississippi, it could happen in Tennessee. You think it won’t? In April, the Tennessee Senate approved Senate Joint Resolution 127. This resolution asks the voters of Tennessee (in 2014) to reverse the Tennessee Supreme Court’s decision that the Tennessee Constitution protects a woman’s right to abortion.

In fact, the General Assembly seems to be able to make anything about abortion. PPGMR just received a grant to fund a project to help eliminate syphilis. Senator Stacey Campfield of Knoxville wrote of the $75,000 grant, “With the money shell game Planned Parenthood does that equates to a heck of a lot of free abortions.”

So the rest of the week is devoted to keeping the U.S. out of my uterus.

I’ll be talking more on why you should care about personhood. I’ll be talking about the backers of these initiatives. Like the guy who wants to form an independent Christian nation. He tried to get his supporters to build a theocracy in South Carolina which would then secede from the U.S. Or there’s the lobbyist for Yes On 26. He once told The Commercial Appeal, “Careers are all about accumulating and disposing of relationships. Sometimes you accumulate; sometimes you dispose.” So you can see he’s totally behind supporting whatever it is he’s supposed to be supporting this week.

So, why should you listen to me? Oh, why not? I’m a nice lady. No one is paying me for my opinion–no matter how hard I’ve begged. Okay, I will admit to taking a bottle of water from Planned Parenthood yesterday, BUT I WAS REALLY THIRSTY,Y’ALL! I want you to have real information about what your government has in store for your ovaries. Plus, I’m not lying–some of this stuff is too funny not to share. For example, I found out yesterday that Planned Parenthood was inspired by Hitler! Yeah, who knew? Oh, and did you know there are orphanages all over the place to take these unwanted children the government is going to force us wimmins to birth? You can’t swing a cat without hitting an orphanage! And all women’s health comes down to is abortion. It’s true. They’ve found us out. All it takes for women to be healthy is an abortion. There. I said it. The secret is out.

The anti-choice movement has been incredibly successful at creating smoke and mirrors. They are desperate. But their desperation is loud and well-funded. I don’t want to resort to smoke and mirrors. I think you are smarter than that. Right now, I want to be very firm about where I stand. I don’t want to be accused of having any hidden agenda here. I stand with Planned Parenthood. I believe in a woman’s right to choose. I believe any time cells divide there is life. I believe every woman in this country has a right to accessible, affordable health care. I do not believe government knows what’s best for my family. I believe big government is big government–doesn’t matter if it’s on the state or the federal level.

Most of all, I believe if you don’t speak up for yourself, someone else will do it for you.



Just spit it out, already!

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