If You Break Them Open, Do They Smell Like Ladies Lying In The Sun?

I’ve been talking about serious stuff this week, and will continue to do so, but I want to take a brief detour to CosmoLand. I’ve been toying with the idea of doing a fake Cosmo Twitter feed, but honest to God, I don’t know that I could come up with anything better than the laff-a-minute verified Cosmo Twitter feed. For example, this just happened:

Also this:

How is some straight dude waxing philosophical over boobs dumb, but asking if a guy should shave his “coconuts” not? Please? Anyone?

Here’s another of my rejected Cosmo articles. You’re welcome.

What Your Dude’s Favorite Kitchen Utensil Says About Him!

  1. Spatula: Oh, he’s an old-fashioned kind of guy with a great sense of humor! He’d love nothing more than to give you the Aunt Jemima Treatment on a lazy Sunday morning!
  2. Wire Whisk: He likes his woman like he likes his omelette: FLUFFY!
  3. Citrus Zester: What kind of man has a citrus zester? Not the kind you take home to mama! Zesty in the kitchen, zesty in the bedroom?!
  4. George Forman Grill: This guy’s meat and potatoes all the way! Sure, pounding you like a cheap steak will get old after a while, but that bank account is full of salad!!
  5. Ginsu knife: The best kind of dude! He’ll believe anything!! Have fun on that trip to Cabo your “doctor” says you need to treat “exhaustion”!
  6. Electric Can Opener: This one’s a toss up, girls! One one hand, he clearly loves gadgets–WINK WINK–on the other hand, if he can’t expend the energy to open his Spaghetti-Os with a manual tool, what other manual tools won’t he use?!! WINK WINK!!
  7. Meat Fork: Ladies, let’s be honest. This guy’s more interested in your butcher than you! But that’s okay! A gay BFF is like a LBD–Every gal needs one!!
  8. Pastry Fork: Ooooh, who doesn’t love a man who makes pie? Watch out, though! He may expect you to be his cherry pie!!
  9. Mixing Bowl: A little of this, a little of that. He’s into experimentation! But watch out! He may be eating two meals at once, if you know what we mean! Of course you do!
  10. Juicer: He likes it wet and sticky! But look out! All that fiber might ruin your romantic date!!

7 Comments Add yours

  1. Noel Holston says:

    And speaking of Cosmo, I passed the latest issue on the stand at Kroger last night and there, on the cover, was a tease for an article inside about SEX TIPS. This is, what, the 83rd issue in a row to promote such a feature? Which begs the question: How many tips can there be? My lifetime experience is that there’s only so much you can do with this equipment, even when you add kitchen utensils.

    1. Susan says:

      EXACTLY, sir. I have this idea for a play–it’s like “Twelve Angry Men” except it’s women. And they’re Cosmo editors. And the whole play is a Sexytime Staff meeting where they discuss new names for genitalia and how to incorporate your household plants into your sexytime routine. Hilarity would ensue.

  2. Noel Holston says:

    Is Suzanne your mom? Just making sure. She and Charlotte babysat me when I was a kid in Laurel. In any event, like your bitching. It’s well-aimed and delightfully fierce.

    1. Susan says:

      Yes! I’m humbled that you’ve come slumming! You know the family. My bitching ability is genetic.

  3. Didi says:

    Years ago, National Lampoon did a send up of Cosmopolitan – one of the featured articles was “How to Decorate Your Uterine Wall”

  4. Desi says:

    I would like more blogs about boobs please.

    1. leigh says:

      Susan, I am surprised your Aunt Desi would say this….

Just spit it out, already!

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