If You Break Them Open, Do They Smell Like Ladies Lying In The Sun?

9 Sep

I’ve been talking about serious stuff this week, and will continue to do so, but I want to take a brief detour to CosmoLand. I’ve been toying with the idea of doing a fake Cosmo Twitter feed, but honest to God, I don’t know that I could come up with anything better than the laff-a-minute verified Cosmo Twitter feed. For example, this just happened:

Also this:

How is some straight dude waxing philosophical over boobs dumb, but asking if a guy should shave his “coconuts” not? Please? Anyone?

Here’s another of my rejected Cosmo articles. You’re welcome.

What Your Dude’s Favorite Kitchen Utensil Says About Him!

  1. Spatula: Oh, he’s an old-fashioned kind of guy with a great sense of humor! He’d love nothing more than to give you the Aunt Jemima Treatment on a lazy Sunday morning!
  2. Wire Whisk: He likes his woman like he likes his omelette: FLUFFY!
  3. Citrus Zester: What kind of man has a citrus zester? Not the kind you take home to mama! Zesty in the kitchen, zesty in the bedroom?!
  4. George Forman Grill: This guy’s meat and potatoes all the way! Sure, pounding you like a cheap steak will get old after a while, but that bank account is full of salad!!
  5. Ginsu knife: The best kind of dude! He’ll believe anything!! Have fun on that trip to Cabo your “doctor” says you need to treat “exhaustion”!
  6. Electric Can Opener: This one’s a toss up, girls! One one hand, he clearly loves gadgets–WINK WINK–on the other hand, if he can’t expend the energy to open his Spaghetti-Os with a manual tool, what other manual tools won’t he use?!! WINK WINK!!
  7. Meat Fork: Ladies, let’s be honest. This guy’s more interested in your butcher than you! But that’s okay! A gay BFF is like a LBD–Every gal needs one!!
  8. Pastry Fork: Ooooh, who doesn’t love a man who makes pie? Watch out, though! He may expect you to be his cherry pie!!
  9. Mixing Bowl: A little of this, a little of that. He’s into experimentation! But watch out! He may be eating two meals at once, if you know what we mean! Of course you do!
  10. Juicer: He likes it wet and sticky! But look out! All that fiber might ruin your romantic date!!

7 Responses to “If You Break Them Open, Do They Smell Like Ladies Lying In The Sun?”

  1. Noel Holston September 15, 2011 at 11:42 am #

    And speaking of Cosmo, I passed the latest issue on the stand at Kroger last night and there, on the cover, was a tease for an article inside about SEX TIPS. This is, what, the 83rd issue in a row to promote such a feature? Which begs the question: How many tips can there be? My lifetime experience is that there’s only so much you can do with this equipment, even when you add kitchen utensils.

    • Susan September 15, 2011 at 1:08 pm #

      EXACTLY, sir. I have this idea for a play–it’s like “Twelve Angry Men” except it’s women. And they’re Cosmo editors. And the whole play is a Sexytime Staff meeting where they discuss new names for genitalia and how to incorporate your household plants into your sexytime routine. Hilarity would ensue.

  2. Noel Holston September 15, 2011 at 11:33 am #

    Is Suzanne your mom? Just making sure. She and Charlotte babysat me when I was a kid in Laurel. In any event, like your bitching. It’s well-aimed and delightfully fierce.

    • Susan September 15, 2011 at 1:04 pm #

      Yes! I’m humbled that you’ve come slumming! You know the family. My bitching ability is genetic.

  3. Didi September 11, 2011 at 11:44 am #

    Years ago, National Lampoon did a send up of Cosmopolitan – one of the featured articles was “How to Decorate Your Uterine Wall”

  4. Desi September 9, 2011 at 2:16 pm #

    I would like more blogs about boobs please.

    • leigh September 10, 2011 at 2:51 pm #

      Susan, I am surprised your Aunt Desi would say this….

Just spit it out, already!

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