BergsieCo Is People

5 Oct

I just read a story from the AP about officials from several states going to the big air show in France. Mississippi, North Carolina, and South Carolina spent more than $100k each–EACH–on the trip. See, they were trying to drum up defense contractor bidness. And the way to do that is taking your staff out for dinners of snails and souffles.

I get it. The Paris Air Show ain’t a bunch of them helicopters that can do flips. It’s where the Big Boys hang out. Dudes who want to sell the government invisible jets that can carpet bomb a country and then be used to make a delightful fruit smoothie. These states want to make those CombiBombers. It makes some sense for them to have a booth at the show. Like such:

Last week, South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley said that all government agencies will now answer the phones with, “It’s a great day in South Carolina!” It’s not because she wanted people to feel AWESOME! about South Carolina, it was because she was in France and wanted to know what the weather was like back home.

We used to do stupid stuff like that in retail: We’re havin’ a great day at Chico’s! Thanks for calling Macy’s, how may I provide you with outstanding service? I can’t site a single instance where that kind of bullshit got me more business. But I’m sure those people calling the Great State of South Carolina to try to get unemployment benefits straightened out will totally feel AWESOME! after being greeted with what a great day it is! Personally, any time I’ve called a government entity in the past, oh, 20 years, I’ve gotten an automated system. I think it’s AWESOME! South Carolina has actual people answering phones.

But y’all, the Gubner worked MONTHS on that phone greeting as a way to get people EXCITED! about a state with 11% unemployment. How do you know she didn’t come up with that idea in France, huh? Maybe she was out one night eating prawns and the waiter said to her, “Ohhoho! Eet ees a great day for vous, Madame Gubner, but eet’s not such a great day for zees prawn, oui?”

You just don’t know, do you? No, you don’t. So don’t judge, man.

Big Business and Big Government are different than you and me. For example, it’s the end of a quarter. You’re a salesdude for CombiBomber. You’ve got $500 left in your business entertainment budget. You’re going to spend $700. You have to. If you don’t spend all that and more, you won’t get it in your budget next quarter. You see, you’re forward-thinking.

It’s much more important for states to court big contracting business than to encourage homegrown small businesses. It may SEEM that a state would rather have many of its citizens getting in there, opening businesses, employing many other citizens, growing a tax base, shooting a little adrenaline into the local economy. BUT NO. It’s much better for a state to have ONE contract with ONE company who will import all its brass from other states, bring in families who will not bond with the locals because they won’t be there that long because they’ll be off to Somewhere Else in a couple years when Somewhere Else gives them better tax breaks and gives them land from a family farm that’s only been in that family for 150 years because it’s a much better use of that land to be seized to make CombiBombers than, oh, food. AND let’s not forget that when the government cuts spending and cancels the order for 200 CombiBombers, that business is once again invigorating the economy by keeping bankruptcy lawyers and accountants in business.

What don’t you understand?

These are Job Creators, DUH. Do not question their logic. Job Creators are infused with a intellect you and I will NEVER understand, friend.  Touched by the hand of God, they are.

Which reminds me…

Have you noticed how many of  the people screaming about a free market economy are the ones who think creationism should be taught in public schools? What’s up with that? I don’t understand how you can have survival of the fittest in one place but not the other. Oh, wait. Is that a quantum mechanics thing? I don’t get how you can not believe depression may be an evolutionary process to force insight in HUMANS, but totally believe it when a depression causes insight into how the MARKETS work.

But that’s probably why I’m not a Job Creator. I’m just some idiot who hands over a third of her family’s income to her government. I would like Standard Shed to create jobs. Starting with one for me. But I’m hopelessly middle class. I can’t just waltz in to some bank and ask for $3,000,000. Like anyone could, pshaw.

But I have a plan. I’m going to incorporate my ladybits.

I would like to get a better tax rate AND I would like the government to stay out of my womb. SO, I’m thinking I’m going to incorporate my uterus.

BergsieCo IS People!

I think it’s a perfect plan. BergsieCo makes eggs every month at zero cost. Those eggs are pure profit, hoss. Who will buy them, you ask? No one. See, you have to think like a big business. They create products, THEN a market. How else do you explain the cheek scraper on your toothbrush?

Further, it’s a perfect plan to ensure the government does not take an active roll in my family planning decisions. Government doesn’t care what businesses do. It’s a free market economy, dummy! Go wild! Not only will my taxes be cut in half, I’ll be able to have the family I want. And if I have too many kids? No problem! Government LOVES giving businesses handouts. All those Bergsie Juniors will be on the payroll! What’s that? Yeah, I know they’re kids. Haven’t you ever heard of a sweatshop, dumbass?

MY WOMB WILL BE TOO BIG TO FAIL!

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