Standard Life Coaching

6 Oct

Today I got an email from a company launching a new brand. The company is SC Johnson and the brand is Cerra. What does Cerra do? Good question. If you go to the Meet Cerra section of the website, you get this:

Cerra™ experiences lead you on your journey to a happier, more balanced life by helping you be aware of your thoughts and feelings, act with thoughtful intention, andreflect on your experiences. Our engaging products, highly interactive website and supportive web community all exist to help you grow to be your best self.

Right now I need to tell you what was in my head when I read that. In my mind I saw a completely adorable yet quirky psuedo-hipster with curly hair and a slight lisp and after he reads that, he turns to me and says, “Mr. Langley taught me a song. Would you like to hear it?”

The thing about the Cerra website is that it wants to be taken seriously, yet I just can’t. I mean, there’s a section of “Moments” and one of the “Relaxing Moments” tells you:

Relaxation is at your fingertips. This Moment will teach you the proper technique for performing your own self-massage. As you release the tension from your body, you’ll notice your mind unwind as well.

A self-massage is more than just relaxing; it’s a chance to take care of and nurture yourself; to give yourself LOVING KINDNESS. All you need is a few minutes to spend time on yourself.

Start with an open mind. Let go of expectations and just follow the Moment. Each Moment and every Moment experience is unique.

Begin

Strangely enough, this exercise is called “Easy on the Eyes”.

Lookit, I mean, what you want to do at your computer in the privacy of your own cubicle/office/desk/home/please not Starbucks is totally your business. LORD KNOWS if we had more people, uh, giving themselves a little more LOVING KINDNESS, the world would be a nicer place in which to live. But, I’m sorry, I just feel weird about a company that makes Glade Plug-Ins and Off Citronella Buckets telling me to, um, get in touch with myself.

Cerra is staffed by… no. That’s not correct. Cerra is not “staffed”. Cerra has sponsors and partners. One of these is a Certified Life Coach. I’m not entirely sure what a Life Coach is, much less how one becomes certified, but I’m digging the idea. I think I’ll become a Life Coach. Yes, I am now a Life Coach. Done.

As a Life Coach, I will be handling your problems, issues, and general poopiness. I’ll be working for free for a while until I get my fee schedule worked up. At that point, if you’re the sort of person who reads my blog, you won’t be able to afford me, so get in now while the getting is free. Feel free to submit Life Coach questions to me through The Twitter or lifecoach@standardshedstudios.com. Yes, that’s a real address. THAT’S HOW SERIOUS I AM.

Since becoming a Life Coach 20 minutes ago, I have opened a world of knowledge in my head. This is the most positive thing I’ve done since I started taking tranquilizers on a regular basis. I want you to drink from the fountain of my knowledge. Help me help you.

Oh! Look! I have a question!

Dear Standard Life Coach,

There’s a penny on the floor of the ladies room at work. Should I pick it up?

Sincerely, 

Hungry Flyer

Dear Hungry Flyer,

YES! Then look eye to eye at Lincoln and say I AM GRATEFUL TO YOU, PENNY. FOR I AM RICHER THAN I WAS A MOMENT AGO. It’s important you speak in all caps. Pennies are notoriously hard of hearing. Then thank the Great Spirit for not having to wear pantyhose in a public ladies’ room.

Dear Standard Life Coach,

I would like to be rich. How do I get rich?

Sincerely,

NotRich

Dear NotRich,

First, I mean, is that a family name? I feel there’s a lot of negativity in that name. Perhaps you should find out who is your richest relative who is nearest death and change your name to his or hers. Then light a bunch of sage.

In the meantime, you need to feel the warm sun on your face. Get up every morning and say to the sun, “I am grateful to you.” Don’t do that if you get up before the sun rises because the sun won’t hear you and the moon don’t care. Remember that, THE MOON DON’T CARE.

Now, light some sage again and close your eyes. Open a window first because that shit can smell like ripe armpits. Now, see yourself becoming rich. See piles and piles of money stacked up in your house. See yourself naked and rolling in the piles of money. Just watch out for paper cuts. HOOOWEEE those can be tough on a tender area, amirite?

Now pick up an oak leaf–but not from a pin oak, they’re annoying–and write on it, I AM RICH. NOT IN SPIRIT, BUT IN MONEY. Then set it on fire and thank the Great Spirit.

NOW YOU WILL BE RICH.

I look forward to coaching all of you in a better, Standard Way of Life.

Now, go light some sage.

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2 Responses to “Standard Life Coaching”

  1. Little Merry Sunshine October 7, 2011 at 3:01 pm #

    Who are they to tell us how long it takes to “love ourselves”? For some people “a few minutes” may not be enough. And for others, a few seconds may be all that’s necessary. I think it’s damn presumptuous of Cerra to tell us how much self-loving is enough self-loving. I’m just saying.

  2. Jamie October 7, 2011 at 1:45 pm #

    As I was reading the self-massage part, and how to give yourself “loving kindness”, I felt–hmm, what’s the word–dirty? I dunno coach…let us know how it goes…. 🙂

Just spit it out, already!

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