Jesus Ween? Hoooboy.

I just…I’m not…It’s that…HOOOBOY. Jesus Ween. We need to talk about Jesus Ween, kids.

Let me just jump in with both feet. I think you can guess what Jesus Ween is all about. NO, IT’S NOT THAT!! Get your mind out of the gutter, son. This is a serious matter. We gotta get the Jesus back in Halloween. Halloween is the biggest threat to The Christian Way of Life since saying holiday instead of Christmas women got the vote prohibition was turned over Obama was elected…I’m saying a ten-year-old dressing like Darth Vader and begging for Butterfingers is ruining The Christian Way of Life. It is of the devil. It is pagan AND IT MUST BE STOPPED.

Here’s the deal. Some people led by one Pastor Paul have decided that Halloween is not a day for harmless dressing up, begging for candy, and hoping your vegan neighbors don’t give you raisins. NO! It needs to be, according to the Jesus Ween website, “the most effective Christian outreach day ever and that is why we also call it ‘World Evangelism Day’.” Now, right here we’ve got a problem. Jesus Ween is known some places as Jesus Ween, as Jesus Win, and as World Evangelism Day, and as Christ Celebration Week (“even though it runs for two weeks“). So what you’ve got here is a failure to market accurately. Pick a name. Stick with it. Netflix kept changing their name around and they lost a million subscribers. You don’t want Jesus Ween to be losing subscribers, do you? I didn’t think so.

Now, on Jesus Ween, you will still get to dress up. You will need to wear a white shirt that represents the purity of the spirit. Do not get any ideas. You are STRONGLY discouraged, 20-year-old women, to dress as Slutty Jesus Ween Bible Giver Outer. Once you have dressed appropriately, you won’t need to do anything but stand at the door, smile, and give out Bibles. Talking is actually somewhat discouraged according to the website. And after reading the website, I understand why. Here’s Pastor Paul–founder of JW– talking about, uh, something, ” But shortly after some other issues showed up that made Paul think less of acting on the October 31st Soul winning initiative until the burden came stronger 6 years later; Pastor Paul was then able to see what God wanted to achieve.” I don’t know what any of that means. Perhaps it is because I’m not filled with the spirit. So, moving on.

Gawker tracked down Pastor Paul and asked why Ween? Why now? What do you have against Halloween? Paul said,

“I think it’s an activity that doesn’t have anything to do with Christians,” he told me. “And I think many Christian families are not knowledgeable to what it’s all about. Halloween is not consistent with the Christian faith. Many people say they feel uncomfortable on that day. We think people should choose an alternative activity.”

Okay. So. You’re pissy because there’s a day of celebration that’s not about you? And your flock is ignorant, but knows Halloween is not consistent with Christian faith?

Give me a break. Part of Christianity is spreading the Good Word EVERY DAY. Christians don’t need a DAY. There is nothing about Halloween that is not consistent with Christian faith. First, it’s the day before All Saints’ Day which is the day before All Souls’ Day. Those days are really important to Christians. So if you’re not going to celebrate Halloween, you have to give up claims of Christmas Eve too. Second, if you want to make the pagan reach of saying it’s satanic because it’s thought to be the day when the bonds between the living and the dead are thinnest, you need to give up praying too. Because don’t you pray for souls? Wouldn’t that be a cause of celebration to have a day when the souls of the ones you love who have gone to heaven can touch you directly? Or do we not believe in souls anymore? Is that too pagan?

Celebrate Halloween, don’t celebrate it, who cares? There is a pagan origin to just about every holiday there is. Christians inserted their beliefs as a way to convert pagans and to make their celebrations more familiar to the pagans they were converting. You don’t want people to dress up? Give up Christmas trees and Easter eggs and we’ll talk.

You need to start with your own flock first. If you say Christians don’t know what Halloween is, educate them. You want to introduce me to the Light and the Way, do it. But please stop Kanye-ing all holidays. It looks desperate. You want to do a Hell House at your church, do it. You want to give out Bibles, go on. The reason this stupid Jesus Ween isn’t going to catch on is because you come out attacking something that, by your own admission, your followers don’t understand. Jesus was a teacher, guys. He didn’t need to resort to grandstanding and parlor tricks to get his point across because he lived what he taught.

I know it sounds like I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. Jesus Ween will pop up for a few days each year just like those people who get all bent out of shape if you wish someone a happy holiday instead of a merry Christmas. Fact is this is an unorganized, poorly planned marketing attempt. If you want to reduce the spread of the word of God to one day, you’re doing it wrong, hoss. And it diminishes the work of the people in the world who truly spread the word of God by action, not by platitudes and ridiculous publicity stunts.

Now, if you will excuse me, Halloween is coming and I’ve got an unholy craving for candy corn.


5 Comments Add yours

  1. grandefille says:

    P.S. I much agree to you yes this.

  2. grandefille says:

    I hear/see that phrase and immediately hear someone yelling at the neighbor kid.

    “Jesus, Ween! You scared me to death! Get off the roof. And tell Zack I know he took eggs out of the refrigerator.”

    1. Susan says:

      I’m going to reclaim it just for that. JESUS WEEN, GET OFF MY YARD!!

  3. I SO look forward to Jesus Ween each year. It just tickles me to no end to see how ignorant people are, and here is one of the most ignorant just asking for it. Made my day.

    1. Susan says:

      They’re a little quieter this year. Can’t imagine why…

Just spit it out, already!

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