Yeah! That’s A Deal Breaker!

Y’all! Omigosh! Guys are so funny, rite? But they’re also important, cuddly protectors we must have in our lives or else what’s the point? Do you want to go through the rest of your life not having a date for office parties and weddings? No, we didn’t think so! Here at FakeCosmo, we want to help you help yourself! We talked to lots of dudes about what their personal deal breakers are. Don’t do any of these things, ladies! You don’t want to end up a crazy, fat, lonely, cat-hording, filthy, unlovable, fat, whining, wildebeest!!

  • JayJay from Des Moines sayz: “No hair, ladies. Hair is disgusting, dirty, fat, smelly. I totally will not date a girl with any hair anywhere on her body. It’s gross! I mean, what is this? A ’70s porno?! GROSS!”
  • Fred from Phoenix takes it a step further: “Stubble is a total boner-killer. I mean, yeah, like by the afternoon I have stubble on my face, but it’s on my face. Not my pits. Ladies, if you can’t figure out how NOT to have stubble, I don’t have time for you.”
  • Ned from Saskatoon rounds out the Body Hair Trifecta with: “Do not use my razor. Ever. It makes it dull and disgusting. I don’t want to shave  my face with something you’ve potentially groomed your hooha with. Facial hair does not dull a razor. Body hair does. I don’t want to swap skin cells with you, okay?”
  • From Elrod in Oakland: “A girl’s gotta know how much to eat in front of me or else GROSS! If she orders a salad, I’m like no way. Ana all the way, right? But like if she orders a burger? Are you for real? What a hog! Like if you don’t know what the appropriate middle ground is, I’m outsies.”
  •  Rex in Moab relates: “Ohmigod. Quit talking to your mother! There is no reason for any grown woman over the age of 17 to be talking to her mother! It’s like listening to magpies! I always find a way to sneak a peek at her cell and if her mom’s in her contacts? See ya!”
  • Mark in Chicago has strong feelings about Halloween costumes: “Girl, it’s called Slutoween for a reason, okay? If you’re gettin’ all Sarah Lawrence on Halloween and going as freakin’ Sylvia Platt or whatever, I’m done. Unless you’re going as Sexy Bell Jar–and by that I mean in a see-through costume–no more dates with me! You can take that shit to a Mother Jones costume party. Dude.”
  • Steve from Miami: “Why, why, why are you talking about politics? If you’re trying to engage me in an Occupy Wall Street discussion, all that tells me is that you totally do not want sex. With me. Ever.”
  • Lance from Dallas hates it when: “You take my remote. Get your own TV to watch your Housewives. It’s bad enough I have to talk to you, I certainly don’t want to have to watch some girly shit with you.”
  • Norman from Tulsa doesn’t want to watch sports with you: “Look, I know you think it’s all cute and liberated to watch football, but you sound like a moron. Go knit something while I finish the game.”
  • Roy from Houston doesn’t want to see you in the gym: “I want you to be in shape, but I do not want to see you sweat. GROSS! Go take a Pilates class with the other girls and don’t talk to me about it OR show me your workout clothes. I just want the benefit of the results, girl. I don’t want to know how the sausage is made.”
  • And speaking of sausage, Kenneth from Baltimore thinks: “Don’t give my junk a nickname. That’s my business, not  yours. That’s a manly thing that manly men do. Not girls. It’s manly, okay? Manly cuddly bear men give other manly, cuddly cub men junk nicknames to be used only between consenting manly men. Got it?”
  • Marcus from Omaha sayz: “I read in FakeCosmo once that ladies don’t get their digestive systems installed until marriage, so they don’t poop while  you’re dating. Which is why I don’t date divorcees.”
Laydeez, our Guy Panel knows all! Listen to our FakeCosmo dudez! It’s the only way to avoid being dried up by 30! Got a hawt sexay tip? Let us in on the 411! FakeCosmo is here to help!

One Comment Add yours

  1. desicubs says:

    OD’d on jezebel today huh?

Just spit it out, already!

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