Reality Vs. Fantasy: Grocery List Edition

What happens to me when I go to the grocery? Here’s what I think: Pressurization. Work with me. I walk into that vestibule area where the carts are kept, right? The doors close behind me. The doors into the grocery proper are also closed. This causes some kind of pressurization force that sucks out my ability to get what’s on my grocery list.

And it happens on purpose.

It’s a plot by the grocery. Truly it is. When you go off the reservation with your grocery list, and you DO, you don’t go all crazy in the produce section. No way. It happens in the cheese shop. (Or at my grocery, The Cheese Shoppe.  Yes, their Muenster IS JUST THAT FANCY) Yes, blue cheese is on your list. You were going to make dressing. But why have blue when you could have bleu? Suddenly, that $35 a pound Fiorin Blue Pecorino is EXACTLY what you need to put a little zip in your salad. Why? Because the $28 per pound Swiss Raw Milk Raclette is horrible in dressing, silly! But! It would be excellent with beer and cornichons! TO THE OLIVE AND PICKLE BAR! (They do not, regrettably, call it The Olive Barre)

And those artisan loaves are beautiful, but you could make them yourself and they would be so much better. And you know what they’re good with? The $26 per pound Vermont cultured butter, DUH. And you better get the good flour. Bread has so few ingredients that they’d better be quality, right?

Then you need basics: Chicken breasts, pasta, vinegar, and OOH! THERE’S A SEASONAL OREO SELECTION! Let’s see, we’ve got mint, something orange, a Golden Uh-Oh. Wait, Oreo Golden Uh-Oh? That doesn’t sound very good. In fact, that sounds like something you’d accuse a toilet-training toddler of.  I mean, I get it. It’s vanilla cookie with chocol…CHOCOLATE DOUBLE STUFFED! Y’ALL, SHUT UP! There is an Oreo that doesn’t just have double the Stuf. It has double the CHOCOLATE Stuf.

So… milk, sandwich meat, do not look at the seafood, OMG, organic wild-caught mahi mahi is on sale super cheap, laundry detergent. Is it just me or are grocery store candles starting to smell a lot better? Cranberry Currant Basil Wooden Wick Tender Moments Flameless Soy Candle? Why not.




Just spit it out, already!

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