Life Coaching In The Kitchen

30 Nov

Dear Standard Life Coach,

I get that Rachel Ray is trying to be Ms. Efficiency and prepare a 7 course gourmet meal for 16 people in 11 minutes. But can she really believe that the time saved by uttering absurdities like “E.V.O.O.” and “Sammies” is worth the special place in hell she will receive for torturing innocent people with their incessant use?

Sincerely,
Worried About Her Immortal Soul

Dear Worried,

Yes, let’s talk about this.

Your favorite Life Coach detests the term “sammies” as much as I love saying “sammich”. I think people of breeding and refinement get the difference. A sammich is something that is generally made on pasty white bread, is packed inside a brown paper lunch bag, and holds meat redolent of snouts, knees, and ears. A sammich is never purchased, it is always made. I have heard of people putting Duke’s on a sammich instead of the proper Miracle Whip or Hellman’s, but I don’t actually know any of these people. A sammie, on the other hand, generally contains ingredients that should not be sitting near each other, let alone stacked on top of each other. Red grapes and hominy with arugula and tripe between two pieces of toasted marble rye would be a sammie.

I also have trouble with EVOO. First, it is a total waste of money to use extra-virgin olive oil if it is to be heated. It turns rancid and makes your food taste like it’s been prepared in the butt of a gassy goat.  Just get the plain, cheap olive oil and save the virgins for your salad dressing. Also, using such a term is fine until it becomes your thing. It has become a problem when you are your catchphrase and people just come up to you at the Dallas airport and yell, “HEY! SAY EEVEEOHOH!! SAMMIES, AMIRITE?!”

I have never tried a recipe of Ms. Ray’s that did not come out tasting like the south end of a north-bound mule, and I don’t mean that in a good way. However! I am in a giving mood. Here are three no-fail plans for Dinner Innahurry:

  1. Call your mother and beg her for that casserole recipe that uses the Ritz crackers and pimentos. Obviously, this is a fancy dish, so you want to serve this on the good china.
  2. Run by The Colonel’s and throw your eight-piece special on a serving tray with–now, pay attention here–some curly parsley for garnish.
  3. Peanut butter sammiches. DUH.

Now, as for her soul? The woman has a recipe for cooking bacon. Obviously her soul’s the least of her issues.

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5 Responses to “Life Coaching In The Kitchen”

  1. little merry sunshine December 1, 2011 at 10:20 pm #

    Why is it that whenever I read your blog that I laugh so hard I pee just a little?

  2. immanasee November 30, 2011 at 3:29 pm #

    Sorry, I would never TOUCH Hellman’s OR Miracle Whip. Too sweet. Proper Mayo should be lemony. Blue Plate is the only real Mayo. Rouse’s brand (which I suspect is actually Blue Plate with a different label slapped on) is the only acceptable substitute.

    • Susan November 30, 2011 at 3:50 pm #

      This gives me an idea for a teevee show. The Southern version of “Storage Wars” is “Mayo Wars”.

  3. Steve Steffens November 30, 2011 at 2:54 pm #

    Um, Miracle Whip? Ever? Over Duke’s? Are you sure you weren’t really born in Minnesota? 🙂

    • Susan November 30, 2011 at 2:56 pm #

      I do have family there. I am a hardcore Hellman’s woman. I don’t mess with perfection. Now, Duke’s is acceptable in deviled eggs, but I don’t eat those either.

Just spit it out, already!

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