Friends, after a brief absence due to a slight ligament issue, your Standard Life Coach is back. Let’s reach into the mail bag, shall we?
Dear Life Coach,
I found your blog becasue Roger Ebert was talking about Oxford commas and your blog came up in my search to find what that is, exactly. So far I’m not impressed. You need more boobs, Gingrich and Romney.
Disgruntled in Denver
What can I do to make you more gruntled? Oh, wait. That’s right. I don’t care.
Thanks for stopping by!
Dear Life Coach,
I have an obsession with blanching fruits and vegetables- not because I particularly enjoy them, but because whenever someone asks “watcha doin?”, I can truthfully reply “not much- just blanching some shit”. Are there any reality shows or episodes of Dr. Oz that address this issue? And does it make me ineligible to hold office in the NRA?
Kinda Nervous About It
You see, there comes a time in every boy’s life where the need to dip members of the squeaky bean family into boiling water for mere seconds, nearly robbing them of life and vitamin content, and revive them with a refreshing shower of ice-cold water becomes overwhelming. It’s natural and normal. Dr. Oz does not specifically address this, although he does recommend tangerine tea for compulsive bean soaking. It’s worth a try.
As for holding office in the NRA, I’ve checked the bylaws extensively. It seems there is nothing on the books specifically preventing a Compulsive Blancher from holding office. HOWEVER, it is strongly recommended that when blanching publicly, you remove your items from the boiling water while saying the following: YOU CAN HAVE MY PERFECTLY BLANCHED ASPARAGUS WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS. BITCHEZ!
Also, burn some sage.
We’ve noticed you’re fond of putting a bird on it. On your last blog, your mascot was a flatulent feline. Is the bird the new cat?
The Committee To Stop Crappy Graphics
Could be. Etsy says the fox is the new bird. Rest assured, no matter what this blog’s mascot may or may not be, the quality of the graphics will continue to be only marginally better than what a 6-year-old could bang out with Microsoft Paint.
Yo, Life Coach,
You give me a leather jacket. I invest it and give you back TWO leather jackets. Know what that is?
Sigh. Yes. A Fonzie scheme.