What I Have Learned From The Internet

30 Jan
  1. Everything is always as it is. There are no exceptions to any rules.
  2. Nothing is as it is. There are only exceptions to rules.
  3. You’ve never had [insert illness here] as badly as I have.
  4. You think that [insert food item here] is good? That’s shit!
  5. The only REAL [insert food item here] comes from [obscure, tiny restaurant/market which only holds three people and is only open when Mercury is in retrograde].
  6. All my symptoms add up to an illness that will kill me dead in three hours.
  7. My argument is not sound because I forgot to take into account this very tiny probability of something happening like, oh, monkeys flying out of my butt.
  8. My argument is not sound because I cursed.
  9. My taste in music is lacking because I am not familiar with this band which was formed in South Dakota in 1993 and only played one show in front of 16 people.
  10. [Insert band here] is like Radiohead when no one listened to Radiohead except you.
  11. Using the terms “a lot of people”, “most people”, or “no one” means I have a sound argument.
  12. Ad hominem attacks are acceptable when everyone knows the attacked is an asshat.
  13. Duh.
  14. There must be one negative GET OFF MY LAWN! for every five bunny and kitten comments.
  15. You are not as cool as I am because I have been using [insert brand/platform/app/software/hardware/obscure eco-conscious feminine hygiene brand here] since it was in private beta.
  16. You are not as cool as I am because I have not been using [insert brand/platform/app/software/hardware/obscure eco-conscious feminine hygiene brand here] since it was in private beta because I don’t care about those things.
  17. I didn’t really read your piece so I will now make an argument against what you wrote that actually affirms the very thing you wrote.
  18. I could not care less about the NBA.
  19. A person who spends five hours in front of the television is a bum, but one who spends five hours at a computer watching the same, exact thing is tech-savvy.
  20. Poking fun at [insert politician/social movement/political view] means I am against it as one should never poke fun at a [insert politician/social movement/political view] one believes in.
  21. You know who’d have done this list better? Hitler.
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3 Responses to “What I Have Learned From The Internet”

  1. turtlesoupy January 30, 2012 at 3:31 pm #

    Correct me if I am wrong; I think, by law, that ends the conversation.

    • Susan January 30, 2012 at 3:46 pm #

      Indeed. You are clearly familiar with Godwin’s Law, or Reductio ad Hitlerum.

      • gita8 January 31, 2012 at 8:42 am #

        WAaaaaaaaaaa hahahahaha. Brilliant.
        I am stealing Nos. 9, 10, 11 and 12. But I will wait a sufficient, respectful length of time so that readers will forget where they saw them.

        *** I just used that clever blog reader’s trick of first madly complimenting the writer to soften her up and then ripping off her work! At least I read the piece (see No. 17).

Just spit it out, already!

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