Archive | February, 2016

Please Don’t Squeeze The Ultimate Intimate Cleansing Experience

9 Feb

Note to my mommy: I’m sorry. I know it’s eskimo and you are making that face right now.

Note to readers: My mommy would want you to know she raised a lady who doesn’t talk about this kind of thing. I haven’t actually met this woman, but I hear she exists.

 

Do you use the toilet? Are you filthy rich? Do you wish you could make going potty more difficult and time consuming? Have I got the thing for you! bottomsup

Josephs is toilet paper. Except it’s not. It’s an experience. It’s a “microcosm of form and function” made from “tender virgin new-growth fibres”. Even better, “the dendritic structure of the inner core provides optimal absorption while the outer layers act as moisture barrier for wet use.” All this is according to the–admittedly beautiful–website. And that’s just the wipe! We haven’t even gotten to the “hypoallergenic debriding and detoxifying cleanser,” or the moisturizer with “soothing and nourishing emollients,” that “are quickly absorbed by the skin and support the immune system by enhancing the skin’s resilience as a protective barrier.” And, as if that’s not enough, the moisturizer’s “delicate fragrance completes the feeling of pristine perfection”.

Are you with me?

This is a dry adult butt wipe that can be moistened and then used to apply moisturizer to you delicate chapped ass. As my friend Left Wing Cracker said, it’s for the delicate sphincter. Now, ladeez, we all know we stink. And we know our gynecologists beat us with their speculums (specula?) whenever we mention something about cleaning our netherlands with anything that “debrides”, but did I mention you’re stinky? So.

Now. What would you pay to bathe your touchus with the fibers of virgins and a cleanser that sounds suspiciously like Evian?

How about $275?

I’ll just wait while you get up from the floor, resuscitate yourself, and clean the coffee off your screen from where you just spit it out.

That’s two months of fresh, clean, yodeling yoni. If you’re not totally committed, you can get the starter kit for only $110. It doesn’t actually say how long that lasts. I guess it depends how much Taco Bell you eat or if your period is…never mind.

Let’s say you LOVE LOVE LOVE the Joseph Badonkadonk Bedewing System. It’s not gonna fit on a standard toilet roll holder. It’s not on a roll, remember. Because that’s disgusting. No, you need to consult the Joseph Furniture section. If you’re a true connoisseur of the Joseph system and want to telegraph your love for nature, let me recommend The Joséphier in Natural Warped Ebony Macassar for only $1100. For you beach house, you can just use the basic brushed stainless for only $550. For your sex room or men’s club (often the same thing), I recommend the hand-wrapped leather model for $950.

ridiculouswasteofmoney

You know what I love about this stuff? Everything.

I really super-love how the site makes this huge deal of how natural and environmental it is as opposed to regular toilet paper for troglodytes and oil-guzzling hillbillies. Why should I walk up to Dollar General and get a disgusting 12-pack of Charmin Basic that’s wrapped in a disgusting petrochemical skin when I could spend upwards of $1300 on a two-month supply of wipes wrapped with a ribbon, cleanser and moisturizer packed in plastic that’s then wrapped for shipping, put in a plane, flown from Switzerland, stuck on a diesel truck, and delivered to my door where it’s placed in a dead tree or cow hide and bolted to the wall. Plus, I gotta have a maid whose only job is to retie that bow after each of my four children (Chard, Proton, Toile, and Glacier)  has had a dump and flush.

I love that the starter kit is going into the swag bags at the Oscars. I LOVE the idea of George and Amal arguing about who’s going to run over to Geneva to pick up a pack of tender virgin cellulose because SOMEONE forgot to get it when he was in Zurich last week and SOMEONE ELSE had to use Cottonelle and is now going to have to book a SECOND ANAL BLEACH THIS MONTH because of the redness, YOU CAD!

Joseph, if you’re listening. I will totally be your spokesbutt.