Archive | Current Affairs RSS feed for this section

Please Don’t Squeeze The Ultimate Intimate Cleansing Experience

9 Feb

Note to my mommy: I’m sorry. I know it’s eskimo and you are making that face right now.

Note to readers: My mommy would want you to know she raised a lady who doesn’t talk about this kind of thing. I haven’t actually met this woman, but I hear she exists.

 

Do you use the toilet? Are you filthy rich? Do you wish you could make going potty more difficult and time consuming? Have I got the thing for you! bottomsup

Josephs is toilet paper. Except it’s not. It’s an experience. It’s a “microcosm of form and function” made from “tender virgin new-growth fibres”. Even better, “the dendritic structure of the inner core provides optimal absorption while the outer layers act as moisture barrier for wet use.” All this is according to the–admittedly beautiful–website. And that’s just the wipe! We haven’t even gotten to the “hypoallergenic debriding and detoxifying cleanser,” or the moisturizer with “soothing and nourishing emollients,” that “are quickly absorbed by the skin and support the immune system by enhancing the skin’s resilience as a protective barrier.” And, as if that’s not enough, the moisturizer’s “delicate fragrance completes the feeling of pristine perfection”.

Are you with me?

This is a dry adult butt wipe that can be moistened and then used to apply moisturizer to you delicate chapped ass. As my friend Left Wing Cracker said, it’s for the delicate sphincter. Now, ladeez, we all know we stink. And we know our gynecologists beat us with their speculums (specula?) whenever we mention something about cleaning our netherlands with anything that “debrides”, but did I mention you’re stinky? So.

Now. What would you pay to bathe your touchus with the fibers of virgins and a cleanser that sounds suspiciously like Evian?

How about $275?

I’ll just wait while you get up from the floor, resuscitate yourself, and clean the coffee off your screen from where you just spit it out.

That’s two months of fresh, clean, yodeling yoni. If you’re not totally committed, you can get the starter kit for only $110. It doesn’t actually say how long that lasts. I guess it depends how much Taco Bell you eat or if your period is…never mind.

Let’s say you LOVE LOVE LOVE the Joseph Badonkadonk Bedewing System. It’s not gonna fit on a standard toilet roll holder. It’s not on a roll, remember. Because that’s disgusting. No, you need to consult the Joseph Furniture section. If you’re a true connoisseur of the Joseph system and want to telegraph your love for nature, let me recommend The Joséphier in Natural Warped Ebony Macassar for only $1100. For you beach house, you can just use the basic brushed stainless for only $550. For your sex room or men’s club (often the same thing), I recommend the hand-wrapped leather model for $950.

ridiculouswasteofmoney

You know what I love about this stuff? Everything.

I really super-love how the site makes this huge deal of how natural and environmental it is as opposed to regular toilet paper for troglodytes and oil-guzzling hillbillies. Why should I walk up to Dollar General and get a disgusting 12-pack of Charmin Basic that’s wrapped in a disgusting petrochemical skin when I could spend upwards of $1300 on a two-month supply of wipes wrapped with a ribbon, cleanser and moisturizer packed in plastic that’s then wrapped for shipping, put in a plane, flown from Switzerland, stuck on a diesel truck, and delivered to my door where it’s placed in a dead tree or cow hide and bolted to the wall. Plus, I gotta have a maid whose only job is to retie that bow after each of my four children (Chard, Proton, Toile, and Glacier)  has had a dump and flush.

I love that the starter kit is going into the swag bags at the Oscars. I LOVE the idea of George and Amal arguing about who’s going to run over to Geneva to pick up a pack of tender virgin cellulose because SOMEONE forgot to get it when he was in Zurich last week and SOMEONE ELSE had to use Cottonelle and is now going to have to book a SECOND ANAL BLEACH THIS MONTH because of the redness, YOU CAD!

Joseph, if you’re listening. I will totally be your spokesbutt.

Advertisements

What The Hell?

8 Dec

What the hell is going on? I mean, WHAT. THE. HELL? I just stood up from my desk and applauded Paul Ryan for something other than that awesome beard he’s working on.

We have got to stop leaving milk on the porch for Trump. I think it’s a brilliant move by Hillary’s people to put him on the payroll. Talk about a strategy. Make the other guy look batsh…wait. I am just being informed the talking hairball is not actually on Hillary’s payroll. He’s an actual GOP candidate.giphy

So, we’re going to ban Muslims. Welp, we already thought they should go around nekkid, so I guess that’s a logical next step. We do love a good ban. And they always work so well. Those bans on Chinese and liquor worked out pretty well, right? And so cost effective.

While I’m wound up, THERE IS NO WAR ON CHRISTMAS. Every year we do this same thing. WHO is telling you to shove it when you say “Merry Christmas?” I think maybe the issue isn’t a war on Christmas, it’s more like you’re hanging out with assholes. If you think there’s a war on Christmas, stop shopping. That will cause a detente PDQ.

jingle deez

I get it. The country is becoming brown and you’re scared. Look, you cannot get more WASP than I am. My blood is not red. It’s madras plaid. My parents referred to my afternoon feedings as cocktail time. My church has a Bloody Mary bar. My family goes back to the first white settlers up in this here country. And you know what? I ain’t skeerd. Of course I have a uterus, and that means I’m better regulated than an AK, so I’m pretty safe.

Many Americans don’t know that the first draft of the Second Amendment was actually, “A well-regulated uterus, being necessary for the security of a free State…” It didn’t stay that way. When the delegate–whose name is lost to time–got to “uterus”, the other delegates were all like, “EEEEEEWWW! Lady bits! Forsooth! Brah, you’ve been bewitched. Change it to militia and we’re good. Now, who wants a brewski? Sam’s been working on a pumpkin ale.” But the ghost of that patriot uterus still haunts our national policy. Much like the idea that the little-known delegate Josiah Montrose Starbuck had for hot pumpkin spice drinks which he wrote on the back of a draft of the Third Amendment, and was not found until 2004 when an enterprising ancestor thought it might be nice in the fall.

So…

In conclusion, GET OFF MY YARD!

 

Like Belly Buttons

27 Jul

I’ve been thinking about arguments lately. Mostly I’ve been thinking about how horribly, tremendously, comically bad we are at arguing. Americans, I mean. We do so many things so well. The moon? Yeah, let’s go there. Coca Cola? Take that, communists! Adirondack chairs? Those are awesome. Then we are so magnificently, grandly, explosively bad at other things. Overstuffed camouflage furniture comes to mind. Why did that need to happen? My brother-in-law lives in The Hague. I can just about promise none of his neighbors have a camouflage recliner that holds beer, four remote controls, and a deep freeze. Although that’s probably because it’s really hard to ride a bike from Trendhopper back home with a giant microfiber marshmallow strapped to your back fender.

I did a really stupid thing last night. I read comments on a piece that my hometown news station ran about a candidate for county clerk pulling out of the race because he doesn’t want to give marriage licences to the LGBT community. One comment caught my eye because it started, “Is it just me, or…” True fact: anytime a sentence starts with that line, yes. It’s just you. I’m not excluding myself. “Is it just me, or does my kitchen look spotless?” Yup. Just me. Me and my delusions. We’re a happy family. 

One of my favorite chestnuts has always been the slippery slope fallacy. It’s like that book If You Give A Mouse A Cookie. If you give a mouse a cookie, he will burn down your house, rape your dog, and steal your identity. Or something like that. I haven’t read the book in a long time. The “No REAL Christian” argument is just getting pathetic. No REAL Christian could believe that gay folks marrying each other, having equal rights, raising families, paying taxes, getting life insurance, and generally behaving like normal people could be what God wants. That then begs the question don’t we know God says being gay is wrong because God said so in the Bible and that’s the word of God? BUT if I say something like, oh, you get to believe whatever you want, but we’re talking about policy not religion, I am a sinner. Ergo, forthwith, and heretofore, I cannot POSSIBLY have a valid argument because I don’t go to church regularly/take the Lord’s name in vain/occasionally speed/insert other infraction here. AND FURTHER, you’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Ad hominem…aaaand…scene.

Irrational arguments are a thing. We all make them. But we need to keep them among friends, not when deciding policy. There’s a scene in the classic movie Legally Blonde where Holland Taylor discusses Aristotle’s maxim, “The law is reason, free from passion.” Y’all it’s hard not to get all riled up about something you believe in passionately. You should hear Himself talk about his favorite hat. I can give you 492 reason pants are evil. And while I want to tell people who rally against GMOs that they are poopy heads, I go with, “First, tell me what you mean by GMO,” because insulin is a GMO and I don’t think you want to take away a diabetic’s medicine. Or maybe you do. In which case you ARE a poopy head.

We are starting to confuse shutting down an argument with winning one. Well, that’s just my opinion. I would like that phrase stricken from our collective discourse. You didn’t make a point by saying it’s your opinion. And opinions are different than facts.

*Blue is a color. That is fact.

*Blue is the best color. That is opinion.

*Blue sports drinks are a conspiracy between Monsanto and Proctor and Gamble to get us addicted to trimonosodiumglyotholateiseum which then makes our babies autistic and is responsible for the popularity of the Kardashians. That right there is some made-up bullshit. And while it’s nice to have something to blame for the Kardashians, that’s not it. And following that up with WELL, THAT’S MY OPINION does not make it any less bullshitty.

*Navy pumps for women are declining in popularity. Global temperatures are rising. The decline in navy footwear is causing global warming. THAT’S MY OPINION. ARE YOU SAYING MY OPINION IS WRONG?? I GET TO HAVE MY OWN OPINIONS. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.

I also am really over the whole this <insert product here> is full of chemicals! It will kill you! You need something natural! You know what’s natural? Sharks, bears, poison ivy, puffer fish, nightshade, and poke berries. They can all kill you. Just because something was grown out of dirt doesn’t make it safe anymore than creating something in a lab makes it dangerous.

Opinions are not fact. Legalizing marijuana will not make us all heroin addicts. Pharmaceuticals aren’t bad because they are made in labs. Just because I once answered a math question wrong doesn’t mean I can’t do math at all. Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t make it false. I don’t understand Javascript, but that doesn’t mean it’s not powering this very website right now. (I do not know if it is powering this very website right now. I just said I don’t understand Java.)

Now, you must excuse me. I’m feeling a little tired so I’m going to ingest some coffea liberica mixed with dihyrdogen monoxide and possibly a prunus persica. I have to be careful because the pit of the prunus persica contains cyanide. In fact, I better eat two before they get banned.

 

 

Yup, Still Married

26 Jun

Forget gay marriageThe past two weeks have been so amazingly crappy. And then today, my Facebook feed starts lighting up. It’s just happy in my corner of social media world. Wedding announcements are starting to pop up from my friends. I’m seeing pictures of happy couples holding up marriage licences. And you know what? I’m still married to a person of the opposite sex. Neither of us exploded this morning around 9:30 Washington time. Chuck is edging his parents’ lawn and I’m here paying bills and exercising a few basic rights. I do not see four horsemen clopping down the street, although it IS a curvy street, so maybe they just haven’t come round the bend yet. I have yet to see anyone proposing marriage to a pig or hamster. I guess “gay” really DOES mean happy.

Marriage, in my mind, is a civil rights issue. If we are all equal under the law, then we should all have an equal opportunity to marry the one person we want to annoy the rest of our lives. You might have lived with someone for 20 years, but it changes when you’re married. Mostly for better. That worse part kind of sucks. Looking into someone’s eyes and forming a legal contract that you will not bolt when you realize your Netflix queue is full of Jennifer Anniston movies or that you have married your father is a very humbling experience. As my mother reminded me this morning, it’s not for the faint of heart.

I know that many conservative leaders who don’t want big government interfering in our lives or making unnecessary expenditures will now start spending all sorts of time and money to stop these homo shenanigans like registering for china and getting life insurance policies. I’m really pissed about that part. But for right now, for right this second, I’m enjoying the celebrations.

In fact, the ruling today has actually reminded my WHY we got married in the first place. Our lives are better together than apart.

It is so ordered.

it is so ordered

My Theory Of Some Of It

18 Jun

I have this theory that if I spend a few hours a day thinking really hard, concentrating like orange juice, I can reduce the size of my butt. I figure that I’ll be expending energy with all that thinking and that it will be like exercise. Further, my theory states the fat will melt off my prodigious posterior and not, say, my delicate wrists, because I’m concentrating (like orange juice) specifically on my Buttfatt™.

Now, when I say “theory”, I mean like how your Uncle Merle has a theory about the gubment controlling the weather with contrails. I mean it in an idiomatic sense. I do not mean it scientifically. A scientific theory is different–vastly–from my grandmother’s theory that all weekend operators were bitter spinsters otherwise they wouldn’t be working the weekend. 

I also start many sentences with, “theoretically”. Like I’ll say to my beloved, “Theoretically, if you were going to poison me, where would you hide my body?” Or, “Theoretically, if a bear and a fox played rock paper scissors, would the bear always play paper and the fox always play scissors?”

Each time I use “theory” in those contexts, a scientist’s head explodes. In theory.

Here are two things I know about scientists:

  1. They don’t like girls.
  2. They hate it when you use “theory” to describe things like how you think Obama created Ebola in his bathroom lab.

Okay, so maybe only half that list is true for most scientists. The ones I know, anyway. Admittedly, I don’t know many because they tend to leave my presence when I say things like, “Have you ever wanted to mate a cockroach with a racoon?” Or, “Do you ever get really baked and play with mercury?”

In science, a theory is the interpretation of facts. Evidence is presented to support a hypothesis. It is tested and debated. It takes years, decades even. It’s not like Dr. Bunsen Honeydew wakes up, thinks, “Wow! I bet that if you bury a bunch of half-full [scientists are always optimists] paint cans in the earth, it might be bad!” Then he goes and fires off a paper to Important Science Stuff Monthly. And then everyone reads it and is all, OOOH! Yes, let’s make this the law of the land! THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS!!

No one denies the sun shines on the earth at different times. That’s because of rotation and revolution and whatnot. Guess what? That whole business is a scientific theory. JUST LIKE EVOLUTION. JUST LIKE CLIMATE CHANGE.

And? Further? The Pope doesn’t need to be a scientist (even though the argument could be made he is) to advance the theory of climate change. Christians are supposed to be stewards of the earth. Dude gets it, I’ll give him that. At the end of the day, do you really believe releasing massive amounts of carbon monoxide into the air or burying petroleum-based products in the soil won’t harm our earth? Saying that Pope Francis shouldn’t have an opinion on global warming is ridiculous. What is the line that says it’s fine for him to interfere in a decision my doctor (a scientist) and I make about my reproductive health, but not about climate change?

People make me crazy. I have a theory they do it on purpose. Excuse me now. I seem to have misplaced my tinfoil hat.

The Ways Of Satin

19 Feb

satin

That silky, silky Satin. He will so vivid you to his lies. Satin will wrap you in luxurious sin. Satin knows. Satin doesn’t ask silly questions. Satin understands.  We all know wedded gays will take you down the path to Satin. In satin. It’s like a never-ending spiral of silkiness.  According to a site called Charismanews.com, Bell, a pastor, talked to Oprah about his new book co-written with his wife Kristen, The Zimzum of Love: A New Way of Understanding Marriage, about his feeling that Christianity is–commence pearl-clutching–evolving:

Explaining to Oprah why they included “gay marriage” in their book, Rob said, “One of the oldest aches in the bones of humanity is loneliness. Loneliness is not good for the world. Whoever you are, gay or straight, it is totally normal, natural and healthy to want someone to go through life with. It’s central to our humanity. We want someone to go on the journey with.”

The site continues with, “…what the Bells want to do is take God’s very specific, beautiful blueprint, and radically redesign it in the name of ‘love.'”

DOUBLE PEARL CLUTCH!!!

How DARE Christians redesign a social construct to fit with a modern definition of another social construct??!!

GET THEE BEHIND ME, SATIN! I CAST THEE OUT AND RENOUNCE ALL MY SATIN DRAWERS FOR ALL-COTTON BECAUSE LET’S FACE IT, THEY’RE MORE COMFORTABLE ANYWAY!

Just for kicks and giggles, read what this site has to say about the Franklin, Tennessee megachurch pastor Stan Mitchell who decided to take that whole love thy neighbor thing seriously and “allow” them gays to hold offices in the church and marry their homo selves there too.

Mitchell told his congregation—a congregation that includes superstar singer-songwriter Carrie Underwood—that practicing homosexuals can be card-carrying members of his Bible-believing protestant church and can even hold their gay weddings in the sanctuary.

Forget gay marriageNow, here’s where Pastor Stan (You know he makes them call him that. You know it.) and I part company. If you are a practicing homosexual, you’ve got no business being married. Until you turn pro, you just can’t make that kind of commitment. Practice makes perfect. Also? I want to see these membership cards. Is there a secret handshake? I love a secret handshake.

But that’s not the point. The point is DO NOT FALL FOR SATIN’S TRICKS OR YOU WILL SOON BE MARRYING A HOMOSEXICAL!

Well, That Didn’t Take Long

12 Feb

sweet fancy mosesSee, it’s like riding a bike. My righteous indignation is back!!

Explain to me HOW IS THIS NOT BIG GOVERNMENT? You don’t want regulation of oil companies. You don’t want the government telling companies they have to pay for their employees’ whore pills, but this? This magnificent pile of horse excrement is just dandy? From thinkprogress.org:

A Republican lawmaker in Montana wants to prevent women from wearing leggings as pants, and he hopes that his proposed bill to strengthen the state’s indecent exposure law will be a step in that direction.

This week, State Rep. David Moore (R) introduced House Bill 365, which would outlaw “any device, costume, or covering that gives the appearance of or simulates the genitals, pubic hair, anus region, or pubic hair region.” Under that legislative language, “tight-fitting beige clothing” would likely be banned, according to the local lawmaker.

The Billings Gazette reports that Moore would have preferred to ban yoga pants of all colors; he favors giving the cops the power to arrest people for wearing “provocative” clothing. But HB 365 stops short of that because Moore wasn’t sure whether it would be possible for police to enforce a broader ban.

So.

It’s okay because it’s the state and not the federals? It’s okay because otherwise women might want to dress the way we damn well please even if it’s beyond the scope of taste, reason, and comfort? Men are giant Penis Beasts who can’t control themselves? I’m not sure what we’re about here with the dress codes. People get mad at people whose clothes are too tight, but also mad if they’re too baggy. Take that link if only because the Ocala, FL councilwoman who backs the ban has this to say, “Everyone’s saying I’m targeting young black men…I’m black. I’ve been black for a long time, why would I be targeting black men?” I love everything about that statement. The ridiculous logic. The fact one thing has nothing to do with the other. The idea she may have been born Korean.

Me? I got no issue feeling safe around a dude whose pants are literally around his ankles. What’s he going to do? I mean, he could trip on me to death. And while I wholeheartedly agree that leggings are not pants (FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY, LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS), just ask any mother of a middle-schooler: You cannot legislate taste.

I am constantly amazed at the way the faux conservative’s mind works. He believes in personal responsibility, goddammit. But can’t be trusted around women in Lycra. Government can’t tell him where he can pray, but we should lock up Muslims. Laws take away our freedoms, but we should outlaw nipples in public. Even when they are being used for their actual purpose because BOOBIES!

I’m just curious. How will this impact ski pants? Isn’t skiing kind of important for the Montana economy? And can’t those things get a little tight?

I’ll be back Monday when I’ll probably go back to talking about drinking fabric softener.