Tag Archives: decorating

Blanche

10 Dec

this christmasPeople think that if you don’t work outside the home, all you do is lie around and eat bonbons and watch stories. First? There’s only like one soap opera left on TV. Second? I prefer Cheetos. There’s so much to do around the house even now that both Girl Child and Boy Child are out of the house. Chuck and I were both sick during Thanksgiving, and I’d just had enough of walking through the living room thinking about how it really needed to be dusted. So I hired an imaginary maid, Blanche.

Blanche came highly recommended from the tap instructor of my imaginary twins Sizzlene and Formicadinette. But it’s been a while since I’ve managed people, and I guess I’m out of practice. So here’s a thing. I said to her yesterday, I said, “Blanche, that Christmas tree isn’t going to decorate itself.” And she, cheeky thing that she is, said to me, “Missus, CTFO and drink your bourbon.” Now, I was totally on board for the latter, but I had to call a teenager to ask what a CTFO was. And I’ll just say this, I’m very hot-natured so I thought that was kind of nice.

We’re going to get that damn tree up today. Or maybe tomorrow. Point is, we’re getting that damn tree up. Just a little while ago while she was admonishing me for not polishing the silver more regularly and with more vigor, I told her I thought it would be nice if we had a fire in the fireplace. Actually, I was back in the bedroom going through the pockets of every jacket I own to find a freaking tube of Burt’s Bees or Lip Smackers or any of the 5,930,372 tubes of lip stuff I KNOW I own but can’t ever find, and she was in the dining room doing whatever it is maids do in dining rooms. So I called to her. I said, using my outside voice, “BLANCHE! FOR GOD’S SAKE GO PULL THAT LIMB THAT FELL SATURDAY OFF THE CARPORT ROOF AND START A FIRE!” Well, then I hear my text alert and was about to ignore it like I normally do, but I was hoping to hear from my friend who was having silicone injected into her earlobes today. She has always had the most leaf-like lobes. Just weird and thin and, well, unattractive. But it was Blanche! blanche

Can you believe that? Part of her contract is that SHE does my pedicures every Wednesday. I can’t believe she forgot that’s tomorrow. Much more of that and she can just go back to cleaning floor wax out of shoe taps.

A List

25 Jan

In no particular order:

  1. The Thin Mint is the most overrated cookie on the planet.
  2. Department stores don’t need to compete with Walmart. They need to compete with other department stores. There is room in the market for department stores AND discounters.
  3. If you are a retailer not paying attention to the women’s plus-size market, you are foolish. Good taste is not abandoned once one reaches size 18.
  4. I shall now be known by my blues name: Blind Foot Bailey. What’s yours?
  5. The Dr. Pepper Lip Smacker–the finest of the Lip Smacker family–can appear and disappear at will. Just when you think you have three in your purse, you only have one. And it’s in the pocket of the jeans you just washed.
  6. The liquid Dr. Pepper Lip Smacker? Not the same. Not the same.
  7. hairbrainedschemes Etsy shop.
  8. I have my packets ready for the accountant! And the appointment’s not even until TOMORROW!
  9. There is no Standard Lav at Standard Shed. Wonder if I could put one in before Chuck gets home and tells me I got some ‘splaining to do?
  10. I’m all of a sudden, with no warning, drawn to pink. Is it wrong to paint the living and dining rooms pink? I don’t mean PANK. I mean like pink if Martha Stewart did pink. And would it work with a china cabinet painted cherry red? Yes, yes it would. Hmm…