Tag Archives: marriage

The Ways Of Satin

19 Feb

satin

That silky, silky Satin. He will so vivid you to his lies. Satin will wrap you in luxurious sin. Satin knows. Satin doesn’t ask silly questions. Satin understands.  We all know wedded gays will take you down the path to Satin. In satin. It’s like a never-ending spiral of silkiness.  According to a site called Charismanews.com, Bell, a pastor, talked to Oprah about his new book co-written with his wife Kristen, The Zimzum of Love: A New Way of Understanding Marriage, about his feeling that Christianity is–commence pearl-clutching–evolving:

Explaining to Oprah why they included “gay marriage” in their book, Rob said, “One of the oldest aches in the bones of humanity is loneliness. Loneliness is not good for the world. Whoever you are, gay or straight, it is totally normal, natural and healthy to want someone to go through life with. It’s central to our humanity. We want someone to go on the journey with.”

The site continues with, “…what the Bells want to do is take God’s very specific, beautiful blueprint, and radically redesign it in the name of ‘love.'”

DOUBLE PEARL CLUTCH!!!

How DARE Christians redesign a social construct to fit with a modern definition of another social construct??!!

GET THEE BEHIND ME, SATIN! I CAST THEE OUT AND RENOUNCE ALL MY SATIN DRAWERS FOR ALL-COTTON BECAUSE LET’S FACE IT, THEY’RE MORE COMFORTABLE ANYWAY!

Just for kicks and giggles, read what this site has to say about the Franklin, Tennessee megachurch pastor Stan Mitchell who decided to take that whole love thy neighbor thing seriously and “allow” them gays to hold offices in the church and marry their homo selves there too.

Mitchell told his congregation—a congregation that includes superstar singer-songwriter Carrie Underwood—that practicing homosexuals can be card-carrying members of his Bible-believing protestant church and can even hold their gay weddings in the sanctuary.

Forget gay marriageNow, here’s where Pastor Stan (You know he makes them call him that. You know it.) and I part company. If you are a practicing homosexual, you’ve got no business being married. Until you turn pro, you just can’t make that kind of commitment. Practice makes perfect. Also? I want to see these membership cards. Is there a secret handshake? I love a secret handshake.

But that’s not the point. The point is DO NOT FALL FOR SATIN’S TRICKS OR YOU WILL SOON BE MARRYING A HOMOSEXICAL!

Advertisements

An Open Letter To People Who Don’t Want Me To Enjoy The Damn Royal Wedding

19 Apr

So…

Let me see if I get this straight: You don’t want me to enjoy the wedding because it perpetuates the myth that every girl can find her prince. And you don’t want me to enjoy it because it’s a huge expense in what should be a time of fiscal sobriety. And you don’t want me to enjoy it because of the stereotype that girls only care about pretty dresses and flowers and jewelry.

Suck it.

Shall I compare thee to a right gas bag? For thou art as full of foul air.  I could almost go with the idea that it’s a huge expense, but the care and feeding of the monarchy is a huge expense. Look, these crazy kids can’t just hop over to Las Vegas and be married by a midget Elvis impersonator then spend the weekend getting drunk by the pool at Circus Circus. There are LAWS governing this marriage. And I’m not talking about one that says you can’t marry your sister.  The Queen must give her consent and then announce it to The Parliament. You think you had to go through hurdles because your future mother-in-law friended you on Facebook and saw that picture from college where you were dancing on the pool table at the Kappa Sig house wearing nothing but a vintage Dan Marino jersey and a pair of clear acrylic stripper shoes? What if your future grandmother-in-law had to okay your marriage and then get the whole thing through Congress? Duuude.  You’d totally deserve some pretty, sparkly things to wear after that fiasco.

And quit pushing this bullshit about how we’re only interested in a girl finding her prince. I mean just stop it. I don’t want to BE royal. I want to watch them prance around in cool hats. I’ve got bigger fish to fry than trying to make a morality play out of the daughter of a man who sells Peppa Pig Party Piñatas and Justin Bieber Squiggle Straws marrying a guy who, based on the Royal Family Tree, might actually be his own second cousin.

Here’s true romance:

Me: Who’s the guy with the teeth?

Him: Billy Bob Thornton.

Me: Yeah, that’s him.

Does it piss me off to walk through the toy section of Target and find it as segregated by color as 1954 Mississippi? Yes. Is that poor Kate Middleton’s fault? No. We made a social contract years ago that stipulates girl children will only play with things that are pink, purple, and sparkly and boy children will only play with things that are red, black, and have 8,000,000 tiny parts that get stuck in the carpet and you don’t ever find them until you step on one at three in the morning when you get up for water. Girls play with toys that have Pretty, or Dream, or Kitchen in the name and boys only play with toys with Tron, or Mega, or Annihilator in the name.  We are breeding creativity out of kids and replacing it with confetti and prime time wrestling. That’s not the fault of the British Monarchy. You need to take that up with Disney and your guilty conscience. You want to start a revolution? Give a kid an apple slice and a refrigerator box instead of a Fruit Gusher and a Transformers Construction Devastator.  But quit blaming media for myths you’re just as guilty of perpetuating.

I’m getting up early to watch a circus. I’m going to have tea and crumpets and clotted cream. One morning of pomp and circumstance isn’t going to turn me into ninny. You don’t like it? Don’t watch it. Don’t buy the Wills and Kate Wedding Dish Towel Set. But mind your own damn business and keep the bitching to a dull roar so I can hear the commentary while I sit on the floor in front of the TV and wonder if Queen Elizabeth carries Halls Menthol Lozenges in her purse just like my grandmother did.

Love,

Suz